Change

Tomorrow is February 17th. One whole year. To be honest it was a fast year. Last night as I was feeding Pippa, it all came flooding back. I couldn't help it, I relived that day one year ago. I have a terrible memory...it is horrible, but I can remember some things about that day like it was yesterday. I remember laying in the hospital bed and the first moment I thought something was wrong. I tried to push it from my brain but I knew something was wrong. I remember watching the ultrasound tech and knowing something was wrong. I remember looking at Justin who was watching the ultrasound and him shrugginng his shoulders, he didn't know if anything was wrong. And I remember the dr coming in and saying "you're gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and she shook her head no. I started screaming " I killed him" I thought it was my blood pressure, it wasn't. I remember Justin and my mom collapsing down on my chest. I couldn't breathe. In an instant, my world changed. I remember the pain of giving birth to Beckett. It was the worst out of the 4. I remember as soon as he was born they took him away so I wouldn't see him. I remember when I asked to see him and they brought him in. I looked him over up and down. I looked at his fingers and toes and his hair. I loved his hair. I saw the scratch on his leg from where the dr had to try to get him out. I was furious with that dr. How dare he hurt my baby. He didn't really hurt him, Beckett was already with Jesus at that time. And the most painful memory, my dad picking up my baby from my arms laying him in his bed and the nurse taking him away forever. It is still so painful to this day.

Change. That what this experience did to me, change me. Mostly for the good. I immediately looked to Jesus to carry me and He did. I asked Jesus to come into heart after this. I dove into the Word like I never had before. I prayed like I never had before. I found a peace like I never had before. My faith has grown, it has been tested a lot this year and I haven't always done a great job with it but my faith has still grown. I became a better mom, chershing moments and time. I felt I become a better human.

Some of the change hasn't been so great. Terror overtakes me more than I would like to admit that something will happen to one of my kids, especially the baby. Everytime I put her in her crib, I worry about her getting tangled in her swaddle blankets or that she will just stop breathing. I pray everytime I put her in her bed that she will be safe and I pray Coleman, Makaley, and Justin will too. I think it is my biggest fear that I will lose one of them.

Overall, with all the borrible that has happened we have made it through with God's grace and I hold onto the fact that all things work together for good for those who believe. My evidence of that is sleeping in my arms right now. She is beautiful with her brother, Beckett's hair. I know God gave her to us to help us heal. We are healing and will be for a long time.

2013 and random thoughts

So 2013 has been on my mind a lot lately. I really try hard to be positive as much as possible but 2013 scares me to death. 2012 was the worst year of my life. Death of child, a change in my job that was traumatic for me at first, Justin losing his job, Justin falling off the roof and numerous little things. Everyone keeps saying 2013 will be so much better, but I keep thinking..."what if it is worse?" How will I survive another year of extreme heartache and loss?
Today though at church, God kinda gave me a kick a pants. I am not trusting Him enough to take of next year. When I look back at 2012, God really did use horrible things for good. He changed me as person. He took a job situation that I wasn't thrilled about and made it into a great thing!! I am worried right now about Justin's job and finances a lot but I keep thinking, "if God can carry you through losing a child, how much easier is it for Him to take care of this job/finances thing?" From the very beginning when I prayed about Justin getting a job, I would pray that God would a provide a job that would meet our needs and for my heart to be prepared if He didn't do it the way I wanted Him too. That is kinda where I am right now. My faith is being tested with this job thing. I really thought Justin would already have a new job by now. I really thought God would honor my faith about it. I still think God will honor my faith that He is going to take care of us, I just have to except His timing is not my timing. SO HARD!!!! I have these plans and ideas of how things should be. If I could just be patient though, I know God's plan and idea is so much more than I could ever dream. Maybe that's how I need to start looking at 2013...Thinking about the plans and ideas that God has in store for our family instead of what is going to go wrong. I pray my perspective changes.

The world coming to an end???

This past week we went to visit some Mayan ruins in Progresso, Mexico. They were breath taking and such a neat experience for the entire family. We had our own private guide Russel, who was a descendant of the Mayans. Russel was full of information. At one time one of us mentioned something about the world coming to an end in 2012 according to the Mayans. I didn't catch everything Russel said, but I did catch that he said it was more like a cycle was ending and a new one would begin. I have thought a lot about that today. I have really been doing well the last couple of months. I will admit for most of 2012, I just have wished the world would end. Of course, I know the true way everything will go down. My Savior will come and get me but there have been so many times this year that I have begged and prayed for Jesus to come and take me away from this world. But as I thought about it today, I thought you know, my world ended this year with several big horrible, unfair events. Maybe my cycle is just beginning again. This time with more lessons learned and a reliance on the One who controls all my cycles.

Running Laps

Today I have received several texts and sweet messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day and many talking about how I am a Godly woman and mother. This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not a Godly woman. I long to be Godly with all of my heart. I want to be Godly so badly. I do feel however that God is refining me in a mighty way lately and He used this morning for another "ah-ha" moment. Our pastor talked this morning about tests. If you have paid any attention to my year this year you know, it has been a steady year of test, after test, after test. I'm exhausted from "running laps" as my pastor would put it. I am not a preacher but I want to share with you our sermon this morning because for me, it was super encouraging. "Testing reveals your faith and builds your life like nothing else, demonstrating to you that Jesus can do anything." Our pastor talked about how nothing shapes your life more than testing. As I reflected on that statement, I thought our pastor nailed it perfectly. The tests I have been through lately have changed my life drastically. I am not the same person I was a few months ago because Jesus changed me. I don't want to be bitter in my circumstances, I want to be better. I want to learn the lessons that God has in store for me through my tests and not have to keep running laps because I am not learning them. All of this just struck me hard. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house and thinking, I thought to myself, "you know...you are super strong. Most people couldn't have gone through what you have gone through the past few months and still have smile on their face." Today during the sermon, I thought "you idiot...your gonna be running laps forever because you just don't get it!!" I am weak! Let me say it again, I AM WEAK!! I am not the reason that I am okay right now. I am not the reason for the smile I have. I am not the reason, I am not bitter. I am okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to be okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to make it because Jesus will empower me to do the things I could never do on my own. Now, I have not arrived by any means. I still have so much to learn and honestly I am struggling with some things that have happened in the past couple of weeks. I am questioning them but even in my questioning I am determined to learn from Jesus in this test! Our pastor said this morning "You don't have to ask for Jesus' hand when you are sinking, His hand is already outstretched for you!" Well, I am gonna grab it and not let go. I am gonna choose to be weak and let Jesus be strong. I am gonna choose to let Jesus demonstrate that He can do anything!!! Will you continue to pray for me? Specifically pray that I will learn from every test that is coming my way right now the first time so that I won't have to keep running laps and maybe one day be a Godly woman!! :)

taking up my cross

In the Bible, Jesus talks about taking up your cross daily. When you start living for Jesus, pursecution comes in all directions and I believe Satan attacks harder to try to make you useless in your faith by getting you caught up in the middle of your circumstances. You get the point in your circumstances...do I let Satan win and become ineffective for Christ or do I take up my cross and trust that the God of the universe is in control? This is where I am right now, in some circumstances that are not fair and I did not ask for. I have these feelings and thoughts and then I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me in a calm voice "I am in control. Life is not fair, but I am. I am the beginning and end. The judge and jury. I've got this" So I choose to take up my cross. I choose to let Jesus help me bear this burden. I choose to let God handle this circumstance that is not fair. I choose to let the One in control of it all, be in control and take care of it. I choose to pray for a good attitude and pray that with the changes I am going through I can glorfiy God. I also will pray that with all these changes, my friends will stand by me. I will rely on the One who holds my future, rely on the one who loves me and thinks that I am worthy. I choose to take up my cross and follow Jesus.

May 6th 2012...not what I expected

May 6th, 2012, Beckett's due date....I dreaded it like I have never dreaded anything before. Sometimes the anticipation of an event is more difficult than the event itself. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. I felt myself sinking back down into deep sadness again and I think it was because I was thinking about if I were still pregnant what would be going on and Beckett's due date just loomed in front of me like huge hurdle I needed to jump. Honestly, I had prepared myself to not be at school for the month of May because I was going to have a baby so sometimes it was just hard for me to be there because I had such different plans.  But as always, let me say that again, ALWAYS, my Heavenly Father came through again for me today.

I woke up last night about 4 and started thinking about Beckett. Thinking about his delivery and the first and last time I held him. I just keep seeing in my mind, my dad picking him up from my arms and carrying him away from me and I just felt that helpless, awful emptiness again. I went back to sleep and when I got up I just prayed, "keep my eyes fixed on you Jesus". I started thinking about being baptised and what it meant and what Jesus did for me and I felt good. I checked facebook and as always, my wonderful friends reminded me of how much they love me, and I felt good. We got to church and I got ready to be baptised and I had a few minutes by myself sitting in front of a huge stain glass window with Jesus on it and I just felt peace. God used me getting baptised to help me keep the focus on Him and not on me...exactly what I needed today. My entire family and a few wonderful friends were there to see me get baptised and I just felt so loved. Afterward my entire family went out to eat. It was so nice just sitting there and visiting and talking and being normal. It was a happy time. When we got home, I said let's go on a four wheel ride. So Justin and I and the kids went four wheeling for a couple of hours and I loved just it. We made wonderful memories. It was the first time all four of us had been on a ride together. I loved it when Makaley said, "I don't think we will ever get out of here" but then she added, "it's okay, God is in control". We laughed and raced and then stopped at my MIL's for cake! It was so nice. We ended with a short trip to the cemetery and guess what?!?! Grass is finally growing on Beckett's grave. First time I had seen it, another way God just takes care of it!

God took a day that I honestly wanted to skip and He used it for His glory. He answered the prayers of many friends and family who prayed for me today and He made it a great day. He is so good to me!!! I should have never doubted that He would carry me through this day! He has carried me through the past few months. He wasn't going to drop me on a day that I needed Him most! He took May 6th and instead of remembering it as the day my son was supposed to be born, I will remember it as the day I was baptised and made some wonderful memories with my family!! Thank you Lord for giving me so much more than I ever deserve!!! Thank you Lord for May 6, 2012!

a little more honesty

Since I started my blog, I have prided myself on being honest about my journey through losing Beckett. Some things were tough to write about but I felt my honesty helped me deal with things and had the potential to others in a similar boat.  I feel it is time for some honesty and this time is mostly selfish because I am asking for some prayer.

I am struggling. I have been for the last couple weeks. I'm crying a lot and visiting Beckett's grave a lot. May 6th is getting closer and I just keep thinking about all the things that I would be going through or doing if I was still pregnant. I am having a hard time because I feel some pressure that I should be over this by now. I don't think I am ever going to be over this. I was doing well for a few weeks but the last couple the deep pain has returned.  Sometimes it just hurts so badly, I can't even describe it because I have never felt pain like this before.

Would you just pray that I will feel Jesus' arms around me right now and just feel comforted? The pain is still very real but I am trusting in the One who holds my future. I am trusting He is in control. I am trusting He will carry me through the tough hard times. Thanks dear friends for your prayers!!!

My story!!!! Please read this one!!! It is important!

I am so blessed in many ways!! It is really incredible. But what I want to talk about today is the greatest blessing I have or ever will receive. The last couple of months have been crazy. My world came to stop on February 17. I have been in the darkest places I have ever been over the last few months. BUT I am one of the blessed ones because I have seen exactly how God has handled my tragedy and taken it and made it into something wonderful!!! Here is the story....

When I was 8 years old, I was taken into a bathroom and told that I needed to be saved. I said the words and went on believing that I knew Jesus. Over time, doubts had crept in and I had a couple of experiences where Jesus was drawing me to Him and I was sincere when I asked Him to save me. Fast forward to February 17th. When Beckett died, I had nothing in me. I very quickly realized that I would not make it through this death without God carrying me. Not even walking with me, carrying me! There were very dark, dark moments that if I hadn't felt God and the prayers of my friends and family, things could have ended badly. When Beckett died I immediately felt God drawing me to Him. I knew He was saying "let me be the one in control, let me be the one who you come to in this moment, let me be your rock." I am not saying there was not moments when I was angry with God and questioned Him, but these moments didn't last long because God was speaking to me and telling me He was King in this chaos around me. I got in the Word and read the Bible like I never had before. I couldn't get enough of it. God spoke to me everyday. He was gentle with my heart and He daily reminded me that He used all things for His glory and that He had Beckett in Heaven with Him. Fast forward to April 8th, Easter. I was excited to go to church. I felt God had something in store for me this day and I was just happy about it. What He had in store though, shocked me to my core. The sermon was called....This is your day! Great! What does that mean for me? Pastor started preaching and within minutes I knew exactly what it meant for me.

When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was sincere! I wanted Him to save me. I wanted to go to Heaven. Hell scares me to death! But on this Easter morning I realized that if I truly wanted to be saved by Jesus, I couldn't just be sincere in my asking. I had to give Jesus my all! I couldn't hold anything back! I had to let him have every inch of me. Every gift, every sin, every part of my being had to be His. As our pastor preached, he kept saying that you can know everything about Christ, you can know about the Bible, but you can still miss being with Jesus if you haven't given your all to Him and asked Him to be your Savior! He kept saying you can miss Heaven by this much (He showed about a centimeter with his fingers) I knew very quickly in that sermon what I had to do. I was holding my chair, waiting to run down the isle and ask Jesus to be my Savior, holding nothing back from Him!! Well, I did!! Pastor ended the sermon differently than normal and didn't have people come forward, so I didn't run down the isle but Jesus took care of my business right in my seat! I gave Him every square inch of me in that seat! I am saved by the grace of a Heavenly Father who even before I was saved, was calling me to Him and loving on me, even when I wasn't one of children yet. Some will say that God doesn't do that. He doesn't take care of you before you know Him. They are wrong. God took care of me through the most difficult thing I have ever been through and He used it in my life in mighty ways, even before I asked Him to be my Father and Jesus to be my Savior. I am in such awe of a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, sent His Son to die on a cross for me. I know what it is like to lose a son. I can't compare losing Beckett to what Jesus went through, but this situation has given me a greater and deeper appreciation of God giving up Jesus and He did it all for me. Do you know He did it for you too? Do you know God wants to carry you through your trials? Do you know that He is the Great Physician who can heal your heart? Do you know that He is the one and only Savior who can redeem you and send your sins as far away as the east is from the west? This is a sinful fallen world and God doesn't make bad things happen to people but He wants to use all things for good. He used the death of my precious baby boy to draw me to Him and save my soul!!! Amazing how such a horrible tragedy has been used. I thank God for using it to save me!

But the story doesn't end there! May 6th was Beckett's due date and I feel stronger that the Lord is leading me to be baptised on this day. It would have been a new beginning for my earthly family with a new member, but now it will be a new beginning for me with my Heavenly family!!!!!

I needed to share this today because God wanted me too. I have been waiting for the right time to write and today I felt lead to do it. To me that means someone, somewhere, reading this needs Jesus to save them. Someone, somewhere, needs to give Jesus their all...holding nothing back. If you are that person call me, text me, email me, send me a letter, or come over and I will talk to you about what Jesus did for me and how He can do it for you too!!!

grief on the hunt

Grief is like a lion on the hunt. When you think everything is peaceful and you are doing good or are safe...it attacks. And just like a lion does to its' prey it rips you apart again and you have to almost start the healing process over. I hate it so much!!!!!! It makes you feel so alone and it makes your world stop as you watch everyone else's lives go on around you. As you struggle to get to the mountain top, it slides you back down into the valley.
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.

I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!

Beckett's pictures

I was determined when I woke up this morning that I would have a good day. Actually it was a pretty good day, then I decided to go to bed. As I walked into our bedroom I saw something on the dresser. I knew immediately what it was. Pictures of our son, Beckett. When they first told me in the hospital about the program to take pictures, at first I didn't want it, but later I just needed something that would connect me with my son. I have checked the mail religiously for 6 weeks for these pictures. I didn't know how I would react to them. When I decided to open them finally, I cried right before and then I stopped.

God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.

I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.

Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.

I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.

Permission to move on

Let me start by saying I have had a great week. I have spent a day with each of my favorite people and will spend the whole weekend with my other favorite person, my hubby! I have been happy this week.

But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.

I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.

One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.

God meets you where you are at

God always meets you where you are at. I have to share just a few thoughts that I have come across this afternoon. After washing the car with Makaley (and getting more wet than the car because of my precious daughter) I sat down and the first chapter I read from my Jeremy Camp book is about fear. God always meet you where you are at. I haven't told a lot of people because of fear of being judged because the few I have told have judged and urged me other wise but I have this intense desire to try to have another baby. Beckett was a complete shock!! I mean complete. So much I cried for a few days. Now that doesn't mean I didn't want him, Justin and I had just made the decision to have that taken care of. I made an appointment to have my tubes tied and found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. It was just a shock to the system because I had put us having another child to bed. But now, I have just have the desire to try again. (Now don't start emailing me to wait, Justin and I may not have another baby, we have a lot to work through and talk about first and if God so chooses then we will and if He doesn't we won't) Anyways, while I have this desire, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I could go through this again. When you lose your child it is pain like no other and it is deep. God always meets you where you are at though and I read about Jeremy's fear of losing his children. He quotes this verse in his book and it spoke right to my heart. "There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.

Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!

Blue skies

I am in the middle of the darkest storm. I hope it is the darkest storm I ever face, but it may not be. But throughout the last couple of weeks, everytime the darkness begins to overtake me, this line comes to mind and I sing it over and over, "I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands". Sometimes I have to say it over and over and over and sometimes I don't believe it but I just keep singing it over and over and over because I just have to. I can't even put into words why. Maybe the times I don't believe it, I think that if I say it over and over then I will start to believe it. I don't know. Anyways, I keep waiting for the storm to pass but I am realizing, this storm is going to rage for a while. Sometimes it slacks up a little, while other times I think it is going to swallow me up. BUT......

Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.

Disabilities

Right after Beckett died one person told me that it was probably for the best because I wouldn't want Beckett if anything were wrong with him. I was so upset and appalled by this statement. I was angry at this person too. I think about this statement all the time. Usually at least once a day. I work with children everyday that have disabilities and they are a blessing. I can tell you with 100% of my being, I don't care if there would have been anything wrong with Beckett, from the minor to the severe, I wanted him and still want him so badly. No matter what, to me, he would have been perfect. I would have changed his diapers when I was 90 if I had to.

I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.

Broken Vases

Today it dawned on me when something happened at school that I'm broken and I always will be. Any of you that know me know I am a go getter. I get things done and keep them done. I get things fixed. I am on top of things. Today I realized I can't fix me. My heart is broken but I feel it goes deeper to my soul being torn into shreds. I'm never going to be the same person I was before I lost Beckett. I will always have a hole, something missing. Today I started to doubt again, if I would ever be happy. I hate this so much! It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes it just overtakes me and I feel I can't escape from it. Life is going on around me and I just want to scream at it STOP!

This constant battle I'm fighting is wearing me out. I want to be honoring to the Lord. I want to praise Him because that is what He wants from me but I am just so broken hearted. I feel like I am absolutely crazy. I'm trying to be obediant to God but I fight it at the same time. I want Him to carry me because I just have nothing left but sometimes I just want to scream at Him. The hardest part of this is just going through it alone. I have the most amazing people in my life that I do thank God for but they can't understand. It's not their fault. I'm glad they can't understand because if they did that means they would have gone through this and I don't want anyone to go through this!!!!!

Today what sent me into crazyville...I was going through my classroom books to return to the library. I found a note on one of them that I wrote to myself. It was dated February 17, the day Beckett died. I burst into tears because I longed for that moment. When I wrote that note my life was still normal. It was whole. I was happy. At that moment I was still planning on this baby that I was so excited about him coming. I was pregnant with one of my best friends and I loved it because we were in it together. I just balled and cried because I wanted that back so badly. That is when I moved into
"you will never have that again. You will never be whole, you will be living with losing this baby that you loved so much for the rest of your life." I just kept thinking you will never be happy like that or have a normal day like that again. It sent me into a tail spin back into the darkest of valleys! I'm so sick of valleys. I'm so sick of hurting so bad and I'm so sick of not being normal and being crazy. I'm just sick of all of it. I just want to be fixed but even when you fix a broken vase with super glue you can still see the cracks. I'm always gonna have cracks!

I know I ask this a lot but I know I have some really true dear friends that will do it. I still need your prayers.

thoughts and praise

"Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; Heal me, Lord...I am weary with tears from my groaning, with my tears I dampen my pillow" Psalms 6:2 and 6

A month ago today Beckett's little body was still in my tummy but he was already in Jesus' arms. While I thank God he is with Jesus, this eats at me all the time. I still struggle with the fact that I should have known something was wrong with my son. I know it doesn't make sense but I still battle with the thoughts of "what kind of mom doesn't know something is wrong?"  A few days before I delivered him, it dawned on me that I hadn't really felt him move in a while. I drank some kool aid and laid on my left side and I thought I felt him. Justin put his hand on my tummy and he thought he felt him move too. I battle with the thoughts of if I had just gone to the hospital, could he have been saved? These thoughts are all in my mind. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other right now. In my heart, I know without a shadow of doubt, this was supposed to happen. That being said, I still hate it!

God has been teaching me over the last week that when I feel weak, which is still very often, I have to praise His name. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fight it with my entire being. When I praise Him, I don't let the bitterness win. When I praise Him, He makes me stronger. When I Praise Him, the hurt disappears for a moment. I am not good at praising. I have bought a book about praise and am reading it (along with 5 other books) it is helping guide me. It is simple but it gets me in the Word and each day God speaks to me through it.

My praise today, "I will thank the Lord with all my heart, I will declare all Your wonderful works, I will rejoice and boast about you, I will sing your Your name, Most High!" Psalms 9:1-3

My prayer today, "Lord my God, I seek refuge in You; save me from my pursuers and rescue me." Psalms 7:1 right now my "pursuers" are my thoughts.

Slowly figuring it out

Two weeks ago today, Justin and I went to church desperate for a word from God. We had just lost our baby one week before and we were at a loss. We went and got nothing. I left feeling very alone and disappointed. I was mad and I felt abandoned.

Today I figured out why. Two weeks ago I wasn't ready to hear from God. My heart wasn't ready. I stood in church with my arms crossed and even though I knew in my heart all God wanted from me that day was to sing to Him...I couldn't. It took so much out of me just to go to church that day and I resented it. I didn't want to give any more energy to being there. I wanted Him to speak to me but I wasn't ready to listen. I wanted Him to fix everything but He can't fix it if I won't let Him.

Fast foward to this weekend. I have been reading a book that a dear friend gave me by Jeremy Camp. Last night I read how he had lost his wife to cancer and at the moment he lost her, he still found the energy to lift his hands and praise the God of the universe. Jeremy and his wife praised God throughout their entire short marriage. The entire time they were married for just a few short months, she had cancer but they still praised. I felt last night God was speaking to me but I just wasn't exactly sure what He wanted from me. The last two days have been very hard for me. I have found myself back on the floor more than once. I thought I was past all of that but this grieving process is more like a spiral. I think I get past something, then it circles around again.

So we go to church today and Justin and I had talked about going and not expecting anything. We were so hurt the last time, so this time I went with low expectations. We starting worshipping and I started singing and I just let go. It was me and God. And even though it took a lot of energy I felt renewed. Then we got to a song and God wanted me to sing with my voice and life my hands to Him. I usually sing but don't lift my hands often. (Comes from a Missionary Baptist background)  I fought it for a while but finally gave in! It was so freeing! I sung, lifted my hands and cried.

Then we get to the sermon. "Living from the inside out leads you through discouragement" Let me just share with you some of the things that got me.

We get discouraged when we live by our feelings. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I have had every feeling you can imagine in the last few weeks. They have dominated my life. I think you have to feel how you feel but you have to look to God to get you through them. You aren't going to be able to block how you feel but you can choose to let them control you or let God be in control. We get discouraged when we are tired. I'm exhausted because I have been trying to deal with this heart ache. I give it to God and then take it back. We get discouraged when we live in fear. I have a fear being overtaken by the death of our son. I fear losing my other children. I fear the future and I worry I won't make the right decisions or let God be my strength.

 The other thing that hit me was "when we focus on our circumstances, it will talk you out of doing what God wants you to do." That kept playing in my mind the whole sermon. I kept thinking "God, what are saying, what do you want me to do" and I kept thinking, "I can't do anything right now" Our pastor asked for anyone who was discouraged to come up front and he would pray for us. I fought that too but finally gave in and Justin and I went up front. Our pastor prayed and then he said let's worship and it hit me. What God wants from me at this moment in my life, all he is requiring of me is just to worship him. Worship Him with my whole heart and my whole being. I need to raise my hands and sing and focus on Him. I need to let Him be number one. When I do, He is going to me through this. He has been carring me. The Holy Spirit has been interceding for me, like I have begged Him to do so many times because I just don't have the words. But once I start worshipping Him and honoring Him, the true healing is going to come. I am still going to have hard times and I am going to cry but God is going to heal my heart and He is drawing me to him. That is what He has been doing is drawing me to Him and I have been resisting. I am not out the valley yet but I can see the mountain top and it doesn't look like an impossible journey anymore.

I'm tired

I'm tired. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I have had some good days the last couple, but today I just felt like I got punched back several steps. Sometimes I think I will wake up and I will be pregnant again, planning Beckett's nursery, and worring about getting sleep when he gets here. I just feel like I need him so badly.

Tonight we took back Beckett's stroller to Target. It wasn't pleasant but not as bad as I thought it would be. The hard part was Makaley. She is only 4 and just doesn't understand and that is okay. I am not mad or upset with her but sometimes she makes it hard. She talked about buying Beckett things and talked about how I'm pregnant. I had to explain again I'm not pregnant. Then tonight she went to rub my belly and caught herself and stopped. My heart just  breaks for her. She wanted Beckett as badly as any of us and she just doesn't understand that he is not going to ever be with us. Everytime I really start to feel stronger again soon after I crumble. This is just so much harder and takes so much longer than I ever imagined.

A final chapter- I'm not quitting writing :)

When you go through something like losing a baby, there are a lot of "final chapters" in the story. Today was my last offical "baby visit". Had to go check and see if everything was okay after giving birth. I asked my dr again if losing a baby the way I did was common and he just said it was very rare to lose a baby at 27 weeks due the cord being wrapped around him. That statement all at once gave me comfort and yet ripped my heart out. Comfort in the fact that if we have another baby, it is not likely to happen again, but also so painful because if it happens so rare, why were the ones that is happened too? My dr. is so amazing...he sat in the room and just  cried with me. He shared with me stories about tragedy in his life and he even called the person who is in charge of a support group for people who have lost children while I was there and got me information. I shared with him that I am still struggling but that I feel peace with how I am handling everything. I feel I am handling this situation the way God wants me too. I feel I am being honoring to Him by sharing my story and in my honesty. If nothing else comes out of this tragedy, it has brought me closer and made me more dependent on my Heavenly Father. It has made me realize I am not as strong on my own and things are handled much better when I just let him deal with it. When I give up control, things run much smoother. I hate that I can't be control and I can't handle things but I also want things done right and even if I don't think God is handling things right, He is and I usually see that later on down the road. I don't think I will see how me losing Beckett "is right" until I get to Heaven.

On top of everything else, one of my dearest friends lost her mother this morning. Please lift her and her family up in prayer. This friend has supported me in so many ways over the past few years. She had picked up the pieces many times and her wisdom has guided me. I only hope one day to be as wise and wonderful as she is. She is a mighty woman of God. I am so blessed to have her in my life!! Please pray for rest for her and comfort during this time. Thank you dear friends! I love you!

Join me in praying AND I have a great son!

My heart is hurting for a friend who will bury her grandson tomorrow. It is so painful to have to bury a baby. Knowing that you will never see their face again is just so hard. Join me in praying for her and her family tomorrow at 10 o'clock. I feel guilty because I really want to go to the funeral but it is just too close to losing Beckett for me to handle. So I have decided that tomorrow at 10 I will stop teaching go to my desk and just pray for them. It is the only thing I can do for her. Losing a child or grandchild is the worst thing in the world.

Today I got to go on a date with my son. This boy is so incredible. He is so smart. We went to the Bible book store and he wanted a new Bible. Then he wanted to read from Revelations to me on the way home. For the first time we really got to talk about Beckett. It was a good conversation. Coleman told me he hopes that we have another baby because he wants a chance to be a big brother again. He understands that Beckett can't be replaced but he wants a baby brother. I didn't have the heart to tell him it could be a girl. He amazes me. He really is a great brother. He plays with Makaley, helps her clean her room, and lets her terrorize him and he rarely complains. Beckett would have been so blessed to have Coleman. Coleman had already said he wanted to coach all of his teams and teach him play sports and fish. Coleman is just an amazing kid! I think Coleman is so great because of the example of his dad. Justin is an amazing father and husband and has taught Coleman how he should treat others. Once again I just want to say....I am blessed!