I was determined when I woke up this morning that I would have a good day. Actually it was a pretty good day, then I decided to go to bed. As I walked into our bedroom I saw something on the dresser. I knew immediately what it was. Pictures of our son, Beckett. When they first told me in the hospital about the program to take pictures, at first I didn't want it, but later I just needed something that would connect me with my son. I have checked the mail religiously for 6 weeks for these pictures. I didn't know how I would react to them. When I decided to open them finally, I cried right before and then I stopped.
God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.
I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.
Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.
I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Permission to move on
Let me start by saying I have had a great week. I have spent a day with each of my favorite people and will spend the whole weekend with my other favorite person, my hubby! I have been happy this week.
But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.
I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.
One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.
But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.
I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.
One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
God meets you where you are at
God always meets you where you are at. I have to share just a few thoughts that I have come across this afternoon. After washing the car with Makaley (and getting more wet than the car because of my precious daughter) I sat down and the first chapter I read from my Jeremy Camp book is about fear. God always meet you where you are at. I haven't told a lot of people because of fear of being judged because the few I have told have judged and urged me other wise but I have this intense desire to try to have another baby. Beckett was a complete shock!! I mean complete. So much I cried for a few days. Now that doesn't mean I didn't want him, Justin and I had just made the decision to have that taken care of. I made an appointment to have my tubes tied and found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. It was just a shock to the system because I had put us having another child to bed. But now, I have just have the desire to try again. (Now don't start emailing me to wait, Justin and I may not have another baby, we have a lot to work through and talk about first and if God so chooses then we will and if He doesn't we won't) Anyways, while I have this desire, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I could go through this again. When you lose your child it is pain like no other and it is deep. God always meets you where you are at though and I read about Jeremy's fear of losing his children. He quotes this verse in his book and it spoke right to my heart. "There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18
God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.
Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!
God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.
Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!
Blue skies
I am in the middle of the darkest storm. I hope it is the darkest storm I ever face, but it may not be. But throughout the last couple of weeks, everytime the darkness begins to overtake me, this line comes to mind and I sing it over and over, "I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands". Sometimes I have to say it over and over and over and sometimes I don't believe it but I just keep singing it over and over and over because I just have to. I can't even put into words why. Maybe the times I don't believe it, I think that if I say it over and over then I will start to believe it. I don't know. Anyways, I keep waiting for the storm to pass but I am realizing, this storm is going to rage for a while. Sometimes it slacks up a little, while other times I think it is going to swallow me up. BUT......
Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.
Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.
Disabilities
Right after Beckett died one person told me that it was probably for the best because I wouldn't want Beckett if anything were wrong with him. I was so upset and appalled by this statement. I was angry at this person too. I think about this statement all the time. Usually at least once a day. I work with children everyday that have disabilities and they are a blessing. I can tell you with 100% of my being, I don't care if there would have been anything wrong with Beckett, from the minor to the severe, I wanted him and still want him so badly. No matter what, to me, he would have been perfect. I would have changed his diapers when I was 90 if I had to.
I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.
I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Broken Vases
Today it dawned on me when something happened at school that I'm broken and I always will be. Any of you that know me know I am a go getter. I get things done and keep them done. I get things fixed. I am on top of things. Today I realized I can't fix me. My heart is broken but I feel it goes deeper to my soul being torn into shreds. I'm never going to be the same person I was before I lost Beckett. I will always have a hole, something missing. Today I started to doubt again, if I would ever be happy. I hate this so much! It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes it just overtakes me and I feel I can't escape from it. Life is going on around me and I just want to scream at it STOP!
This constant battle I'm fighting is wearing me out. I want to be honoring to the Lord. I want to praise Him because that is what He wants from me but I am just so broken hearted. I feel like I am absolutely crazy. I'm trying to be obediant to God but I fight it at the same time. I want Him to carry me because I just have nothing left but sometimes I just want to scream at Him. The hardest part of this is just going through it alone. I have the most amazing people in my life that I do thank God for but they can't understand. It's not their fault. I'm glad they can't understand because if they did that means they would have gone through this and I don't want anyone to go through this!!!!!
Today what sent me into crazyville...I was going through my classroom books to return to the library. I found a note on one of them that I wrote to myself. It was dated February 17, the day Beckett died. I burst into tears because I longed for that moment. When I wrote that note my life was still normal. It was whole. I was happy. At that moment I was still planning on this baby that I was so excited about him coming. I was pregnant with one of my best friends and I loved it because we were in it together. I just balled and cried because I wanted that back so badly. That is when I moved into
"you will never have that again. You will never be whole, you will be living with losing this baby that you loved so much for the rest of your life." I just kept thinking you will never be happy like that or have a normal day like that again. It sent me into a tail spin back into the darkest of valleys! I'm so sick of valleys. I'm so sick of hurting so bad and I'm so sick of not being normal and being crazy. I'm just sick of all of it. I just want to be fixed but even when you fix a broken vase with super glue you can still see the cracks. I'm always gonna have cracks!
I know I ask this a lot but I know I have some really true dear friends that will do it. I still need your prayers.
This constant battle I'm fighting is wearing me out. I want to be honoring to the Lord. I want to praise Him because that is what He wants from me but I am just so broken hearted. I feel like I am absolutely crazy. I'm trying to be obediant to God but I fight it at the same time. I want Him to carry me because I just have nothing left but sometimes I just want to scream at Him. The hardest part of this is just going through it alone. I have the most amazing people in my life that I do thank God for but they can't understand. It's not their fault. I'm glad they can't understand because if they did that means they would have gone through this and I don't want anyone to go through this!!!!!
Today what sent me into crazyville...I was going through my classroom books to return to the library. I found a note on one of them that I wrote to myself. It was dated February 17, the day Beckett died. I burst into tears because I longed for that moment. When I wrote that note my life was still normal. It was whole. I was happy. At that moment I was still planning on this baby that I was so excited about him coming. I was pregnant with one of my best friends and I loved it because we were in it together. I just balled and cried because I wanted that back so badly. That is when I moved into
"you will never have that again. You will never be whole, you will be living with losing this baby that you loved so much for the rest of your life." I just kept thinking you will never be happy like that or have a normal day like that again. It sent me into a tail spin back into the darkest of valleys! I'm so sick of valleys. I'm so sick of hurting so bad and I'm so sick of not being normal and being crazy. I'm just sick of all of it. I just want to be fixed but even when you fix a broken vase with super glue you can still see the cracks. I'm always gonna have cracks!
I know I ask this a lot but I know I have some really true dear friends that will do it. I still need your prayers.
thoughts and praise
"Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; Heal me, Lord...I am weary with tears from my groaning, with my tears I dampen my pillow" Psalms 6:2 and 6
A month ago today Beckett's little body was still in my tummy but he was already in Jesus' arms. While I thank God he is with Jesus, this eats at me all the time. I still struggle with the fact that I should have known something was wrong with my son. I know it doesn't make sense but I still battle with the thoughts of "what kind of mom doesn't know something is wrong?" A few days before I delivered him, it dawned on me that I hadn't really felt him move in a while. I drank some kool aid and laid on my left side and I thought I felt him. Justin put his hand on my tummy and he thought he felt him move too. I battle with the thoughts of if I had just gone to the hospital, could he have been saved? These thoughts are all in my mind. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other right now. In my heart, I know without a shadow of doubt, this was supposed to happen. That being said, I still hate it!
God has been teaching me over the last week that when I feel weak, which is still very often, I have to praise His name. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fight it with my entire being. When I praise Him, I don't let the bitterness win. When I praise Him, He makes me stronger. When I Praise Him, the hurt disappears for a moment. I am not good at praising. I have bought a book about praise and am reading it (along with 5 other books) it is helping guide me. It is simple but it gets me in the Word and each day God speaks to me through it.
My praise today, "I will thank the Lord with all my heart, I will declare all Your wonderful works, I will rejoice and boast about you, I will sing your Your name, Most High!" Psalms 9:1-3
My prayer today, "Lord my God, I seek refuge in You; save me from my pursuers and rescue me." Psalms 7:1 right now my "pursuers" are my thoughts.
A month ago today Beckett's little body was still in my tummy but he was already in Jesus' arms. While I thank God he is with Jesus, this eats at me all the time. I still struggle with the fact that I should have known something was wrong with my son. I know it doesn't make sense but I still battle with the thoughts of "what kind of mom doesn't know something is wrong?" A few days before I delivered him, it dawned on me that I hadn't really felt him move in a while. I drank some kool aid and laid on my left side and I thought I felt him. Justin put his hand on my tummy and he thought he felt him move too. I battle with the thoughts of if I had just gone to the hospital, could he have been saved? These thoughts are all in my mind. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other right now. In my heart, I know without a shadow of doubt, this was supposed to happen. That being said, I still hate it!
God has been teaching me over the last week that when I feel weak, which is still very often, I have to praise His name. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fight it with my entire being. When I praise Him, I don't let the bitterness win. When I praise Him, He makes me stronger. When I Praise Him, the hurt disappears for a moment. I am not good at praising. I have bought a book about praise and am reading it (along with 5 other books) it is helping guide me. It is simple but it gets me in the Word and each day God speaks to me through it.
My praise today, "I will thank the Lord with all my heart, I will declare all Your wonderful works, I will rejoice and boast about you, I will sing your Your name, Most High!" Psalms 9:1-3
My prayer today, "Lord my God, I seek refuge in You; save me from my pursuers and rescue me." Psalms 7:1 right now my "pursuers" are my thoughts.
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