I am so blessed in many ways!! It is really incredible. But what I want to talk about today is the greatest blessing I have or ever will receive. The last couple of months have been crazy. My world came to stop on February 17. I have been in the darkest places I have ever been over the last few months. BUT I am one of the blessed ones because I have seen exactly how God has handled my tragedy and taken it and made it into something wonderful!!! Here is the story....
When I was 8 years old, I was taken into a bathroom and told that I needed to be saved. I said the words and went on believing that I knew Jesus. Over time, doubts had crept in and I had a couple of experiences where Jesus was drawing me to Him and I was sincere when I asked Him to save me. Fast forward to February 17th. When Beckett died, I had nothing in me. I very quickly realized that I would not make it through this death without God carrying me. Not even walking with me, carrying me! There were very dark, dark moments that if I hadn't felt God and the prayers of my friends and family, things could have ended badly. When Beckett died I immediately felt God drawing me to Him. I knew He was saying "let me be the one in control, let me be the one who you come to in this moment, let me be your rock." I am not saying there was not moments when I was angry with God and questioned Him, but these moments didn't last long because God was speaking to me and telling me He was King in this chaos around me. I got in the Word and read the Bible like I never had before. I couldn't get enough of it. God spoke to me everyday. He was gentle with my heart and He daily reminded me that He used all things for His glory and that He had Beckett in Heaven with Him. Fast forward to April 8th, Easter. I was excited to go to church. I felt God had something in store for me this day and I was just happy about it. What He had in store though, shocked me to my core. The sermon was called....This is your day! Great! What does that mean for me? Pastor started preaching and within minutes I knew exactly what it meant for me.
When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was sincere! I wanted Him to save me. I wanted to go to Heaven. Hell scares me to death! But on this Easter morning I realized that if I truly wanted to be saved by Jesus, I couldn't just be sincere in my asking. I had to give Jesus my all! I couldn't hold anything back! I had to let him have every inch of me. Every gift, every sin, every part of my being had to be His. As our pastor preached, he kept saying that you can know everything about Christ, you can know about the Bible, but you can still miss being with Jesus if you haven't given your all to Him and asked Him to be your Savior! He kept saying you can miss Heaven by this much (He showed about a centimeter with his fingers) I knew very quickly in that sermon what I had to do. I was holding my chair, waiting to run down the isle and ask Jesus to be my Savior, holding nothing back from Him!! Well, I did!! Pastor ended the sermon differently than normal and didn't have people come forward, so I didn't run down the isle but Jesus took care of my business right in my seat! I gave Him every square inch of me in that seat! I am saved by the grace of a Heavenly Father who even before I was saved, was calling me to Him and loving on me, even when I wasn't one of children yet. Some will say that God doesn't do that. He doesn't take care of you before you know Him. They are wrong. God took care of me through the most difficult thing I have ever been through and He used it in my life in mighty ways, even before I asked Him to be my Father and Jesus to be my Savior. I am in such awe of a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, sent His Son to die on a cross for me. I know what it is like to lose a son. I can't compare losing Beckett to what Jesus went through, but this situation has given me a greater and deeper appreciation of God giving up Jesus and He did it all for me. Do you know He did it for you too? Do you know God wants to carry you through your trials? Do you know that He is the Great Physician who can heal your heart? Do you know that He is the one and only Savior who can redeem you and send your sins as far away as the east is from the west? This is a sinful fallen world and God doesn't make bad things happen to people but He wants to use all things for good. He used the death of my precious baby boy to draw me to Him and save my soul!!! Amazing how such a horrible tragedy has been used. I thank God for using it to save me!
But the story doesn't end there! May 6th was Beckett's due date and I feel stronger that the Lord is leading me to be baptised on this day. It would have been a new beginning for my earthly family with a new member, but now it will be a new beginning for me with my Heavenly family!!!!!
I needed to share this today because God wanted me too. I have been waiting for the right time to write and today I felt lead to do it. To me that means someone, somewhere, reading this needs Jesus to save them. Someone, somewhere, needs to give Jesus their all...holding nothing back. If you are that person call me, text me, email me, send me a letter, or come over and I will talk to you about what Jesus did for me and how He can do it for you too!!!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
grief on the hunt
Grief is like a lion on the hunt. When you think everything is peaceful and you are doing good or are safe...it attacks. And just like a lion does to its' prey it rips you apart again and you have to almost start the healing process over. I hate it so much!!!!!! It makes you feel so alone and it makes your world stop as you watch everyone else's lives go on around you. As you struggle to get to the mountain top, it slides you back down into the valley.
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.
I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.
I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Beckett's pictures
I was determined when I woke up this morning that I would have a good day. Actually it was a pretty good day, then I decided to go to bed. As I walked into our bedroom I saw something on the dresser. I knew immediately what it was. Pictures of our son, Beckett. When they first told me in the hospital about the program to take pictures, at first I didn't want it, but later I just needed something that would connect me with my son. I have checked the mail religiously for 6 weeks for these pictures. I didn't know how I would react to them. When I decided to open them finally, I cried right before and then I stopped.
God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.
I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.
Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.
I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.
God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.
I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.
Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.
I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Permission to move on
Let me start by saying I have had a great week. I have spent a day with each of my favorite people and will spend the whole weekend with my other favorite person, my hubby! I have been happy this week.
But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.
I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.
One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.
But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.
I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.
One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
God meets you where you are at
God always meets you where you are at. I have to share just a few thoughts that I have come across this afternoon. After washing the car with Makaley (and getting more wet than the car because of my precious daughter) I sat down and the first chapter I read from my Jeremy Camp book is about fear. God always meet you where you are at. I haven't told a lot of people because of fear of being judged because the few I have told have judged and urged me other wise but I have this intense desire to try to have another baby. Beckett was a complete shock!! I mean complete. So much I cried for a few days. Now that doesn't mean I didn't want him, Justin and I had just made the decision to have that taken care of. I made an appointment to have my tubes tied and found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. It was just a shock to the system because I had put us having another child to bed. But now, I have just have the desire to try again. (Now don't start emailing me to wait, Justin and I may not have another baby, we have a lot to work through and talk about first and if God so chooses then we will and if He doesn't we won't) Anyways, while I have this desire, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I could go through this again. When you lose your child it is pain like no other and it is deep. God always meets you where you are at though and I read about Jeremy's fear of losing his children. He quotes this verse in his book and it spoke right to my heart. "There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18
God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.
Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!
God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.
Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!
Blue skies
I am in the middle of the darkest storm. I hope it is the darkest storm I ever face, but it may not be. But throughout the last couple of weeks, everytime the darkness begins to overtake me, this line comes to mind and I sing it over and over, "I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands". Sometimes I have to say it over and over and over and sometimes I don't believe it but I just keep singing it over and over and over because I just have to. I can't even put into words why. Maybe the times I don't believe it, I think that if I say it over and over then I will start to believe it. I don't know. Anyways, I keep waiting for the storm to pass but I am realizing, this storm is going to rage for a while. Sometimes it slacks up a little, while other times I think it is going to swallow me up. BUT......
Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.
Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.
Disabilities
Right after Beckett died one person told me that it was probably for the best because I wouldn't want Beckett if anything were wrong with him. I was so upset and appalled by this statement. I was angry at this person too. I think about this statement all the time. Usually at least once a day. I work with children everyday that have disabilities and they are a blessing. I can tell you with 100% of my being, I don't care if there would have been anything wrong with Beckett, from the minor to the severe, I wanted him and still want him so badly. No matter what, to me, he would have been perfect. I would have changed his diapers when I was 90 if I had to.
I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.
I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.
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