Since I started my blog, I have prided myself on being honest about my journey through losing Beckett. Some things were tough to write about but I felt my honesty helped me deal with things and had the potential to others in a similar boat. I feel it is time for some honesty and this time is mostly selfish because I am asking for some prayer.
I am struggling. I have been for the last couple weeks. I'm crying a lot and visiting Beckett's grave a lot. May 6th is getting closer and I just keep thinking about all the things that I would be going through or doing if I was still pregnant. I am having a hard time because I feel some pressure that I should be over this by now. I don't think I am ever going to be over this. I was doing well for a few weeks but the last couple the deep pain has returned. Sometimes it just hurts so badly, I can't even describe it because I have never felt pain like this before.
Would you just pray that I will feel Jesus' arms around me right now and just feel comforted? The pain is still very real but I am trusting in the One who holds my future. I am trusting He is in control. I am trusting He will carry me through the tough hard times. Thanks dear friends for your prayers!!!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
My story!!!! Please read this one!!! It is important!
I am so blessed in many ways!! It is really incredible. But what I want to talk about today is the greatest blessing I have or ever will receive. The last couple of months have been crazy. My world came to stop on February 17. I have been in the darkest places I have ever been over the last few months. BUT I am one of the blessed ones because I have seen exactly how God has handled my tragedy and taken it and made it into something wonderful!!! Here is the story....
When I was 8 years old, I was taken into a bathroom and told that I needed to be saved. I said the words and went on believing that I knew Jesus. Over time, doubts had crept in and I had a couple of experiences where Jesus was drawing me to Him and I was sincere when I asked Him to save me. Fast forward to February 17th. When Beckett died, I had nothing in me. I very quickly realized that I would not make it through this death without God carrying me. Not even walking with me, carrying me! There were very dark, dark moments that if I hadn't felt God and the prayers of my friends and family, things could have ended badly. When Beckett died I immediately felt God drawing me to Him. I knew He was saying "let me be the one in control, let me be the one who you come to in this moment, let me be your rock." I am not saying there was not moments when I was angry with God and questioned Him, but these moments didn't last long because God was speaking to me and telling me He was King in this chaos around me. I got in the Word and read the Bible like I never had before. I couldn't get enough of it. God spoke to me everyday. He was gentle with my heart and He daily reminded me that He used all things for His glory and that He had Beckett in Heaven with Him. Fast forward to April 8th, Easter. I was excited to go to church. I felt God had something in store for me this day and I was just happy about it. What He had in store though, shocked me to my core. The sermon was called....This is your day! Great! What does that mean for me? Pastor started preaching and within minutes I knew exactly what it meant for me.
When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was sincere! I wanted Him to save me. I wanted to go to Heaven. Hell scares me to death! But on this Easter morning I realized that if I truly wanted to be saved by Jesus, I couldn't just be sincere in my asking. I had to give Jesus my all! I couldn't hold anything back! I had to let him have every inch of me. Every gift, every sin, every part of my being had to be His. As our pastor preached, he kept saying that you can know everything about Christ, you can know about the Bible, but you can still miss being with Jesus if you haven't given your all to Him and asked Him to be your Savior! He kept saying you can miss Heaven by this much (He showed about a centimeter with his fingers) I knew very quickly in that sermon what I had to do. I was holding my chair, waiting to run down the isle and ask Jesus to be my Savior, holding nothing back from Him!! Well, I did!! Pastor ended the sermon differently than normal and didn't have people come forward, so I didn't run down the isle but Jesus took care of my business right in my seat! I gave Him every square inch of me in that seat! I am saved by the grace of a Heavenly Father who even before I was saved, was calling me to Him and loving on me, even when I wasn't one of children yet. Some will say that God doesn't do that. He doesn't take care of you before you know Him. They are wrong. God took care of me through the most difficult thing I have ever been through and He used it in my life in mighty ways, even before I asked Him to be my Father and Jesus to be my Savior. I am in such awe of a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, sent His Son to die on a cross for me. I know what it is like to lose a son. I can't compare losing Beckett to what Jesus went through, but this situation has given me a greater and deeper appreciation of God giving up Jesus and He did it all for me. Do you know He did it for you too? Do you know God wants to carry you through your trials? Do you know that He is the Great Physician who can heal your heart? Do you know that He is the one and only Savior who can redeem you and send your sins as far away as the east is from the west? This is a sinful fallen world and God doesn't make bad things happen to people but He wants to use all things for good. He used the death of my precious baby boy to draw me to Him and save my soul!!! Amazing how such a horrible tragedy has been used. I thank God for using it to save me!
But the story doesn't end there! May 6th was Beckett's due date and I feel stronger that the Lord is leading me to be baptised on this day. It would have been a new beginning for my earthly family with a new member, but now it will be a new beginning for me with my Heavenly family!!!!!
I needed to share this today because God wanted me too. I have been waiting for the right time to write and today I felt lead to do it. To me that means someone, somewhere, reading this needs Jesus to save them. Someone, somewhere, needs to give Jesus their all...holding nothing back. If you are that person call me, text me, email me, send me a letter, or come over and I will talk to you about what Jesus did for me and how He can do it for you too!!!
When I was 8 years old, I was taken into a bathroom and told that I needed to be saved. I said the words and went on believing that I knew Jesus. Over time, doubts had crept in and I had a couple of experiences where Jesus was drawing me to Him and I was sincere when I asked Him to save me. Fast forward to February 17th. When Beckett died, I had nothing in me. I very quickly realized that I would not make it through this death without God carrying me. Not even walking with me, carrying me! There were very dark, dark moments that if I hadn't felt God and the prayers of my friends and family, things could have ended badly. When Beckett died I immediately felt God drawing me to Him. I knew He was saying "let me be the one in control, let me be the one who you come to in this moment, let me be your rock." I am not saying there was not moments when I was angry with God and questioned Him, but these moments didn't last long because God was speaking to me and telling me He was King in this chaos around me. I got in the Word and read the Bible like I never had before. I couldn't get enough of it. God spoke to me everyday. He was gentle with my heart and He daily reminded me that He used all things for His glory and that He had Beckett in Heaven with Him. Fast forward to April 8th, Easter. I was excited to go to church. I felt God had something in store for me this day and I was just happy about it. What He had in store though, shocked me to my core. The sermon was called....This is your day! Great! What does that mean for me? Pastor started preaching and within minutes I knew exactly what it meant for me.
When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was sincere! I wanted Him to save me. I wanted to go to Heaven. Hell scares me to death! But on this Easter morning I realized that if I truly wanted to be saved by Jesus, I couldn't just be sincere in my asking. I had to give Jesus my all! I couldn't hold anything back! I had to let him have every inch of me. Every gift, every sin, every part of my being had to be His. As our pastor preached, he kept saying that you can know everything about Christ, you can know about the Bible, but you can still miss being with Jesus if you haven't given your all to Him and asked Him to be your Savior! He kept saying you can miss Heaven by this much (He showed about a centimeter with his fingers) I knew very quickly in that sermon what I had to do. I was holding my chair, waiting to run down the isle and ask Jesus to be my Savior, holding nothing back from Him!! Well, I did!! Pastor ended the sermon differently than normal and didn't have people come forward, so I didn't run down the isle but Jesus took care of my business right in my seat! I gave Him every square inch of me in that seat! I am saved by the grace of a Heavenly Father who even before I was saved, was calling me to Him and loving on me, even when I wasn't one of children yet. Some will say that God doesn't do that. He doesn't take care of you before you know Him. They are wrong. God took care of me through the most difficult thing I have ever been through and He used it in my life in mighty ways, even before I asked Him to be my Father and Jesus to be my Savior. I am in such awe of a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, sent His Son to die on a cross for me. I know what it is like to lose a son. I can't compare losing Beckett to what Jesus went through, but this situation has given me a greater and deeper appreciation of God giving up Jesus and He did it all for me. Do you know He did it for you too? Do you know God wants to carry you through your trials? Do you know that He is the Great Physician who can heal your heart? Do you know that He is the one and only Savior who can redeem you and send your sins as far away as the east is from the west? This is a sinful fallen world and God doesn't make bad things happen to people but He wants to use all things for good. He used the death of my precious baby boy to draw me to Him and save my soul!!! Amazing how such a horrible tragedy has been used. I thank God for using it to save me!
But the story doesn't end there! May 6th was Beckett's due date and I feel stronger that the Lord is leading me to be baptised on this day. It would have been a new beginning for my earthly family with a new member, but now it will be a new beginning for me with my Heavenly family!!!!!
I needed to share this today because God wanted me too. I have been waiting for the right time to write and today I felt lead to do it. To me that means someone, somewhere, reading this needs Jesus to save them. Someone, somewhere, needs to give Jesus their all...holding nothing back. If you are that person call me, text me, email me, send me a letter, or come over and I will talk to you about what Jesus did for me and how He can do it for you too!!!
Friday, April 6, 2012
grief on the hunt
Grief is like a lion on the hunt. When you think everything is peaceful and you are doing good or are safe...it attacks. And just like a lion does to its' prey it rips you apart again and you have to almost start the healing process over. I hate it so much!!!!!! It makes you feel so alone and it makes your world stop as you watch everyone else's lives go on around you. As you struggle to get to the mountain top, it slides you back down into the valley.
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.
I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.
I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!
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