Change

Tomorrow is February 17th. One whole year. To be honest it was a fast year. Last night as I was feeding Pippa, it all came flooding back. I couldn't help it, I relived that day one year ago. I have a terrible memory...it is horrible, but I can remember some things about that day like it was yesterday. I remember laying in the hospital bed and the first moment I thought something was wrong. I tried to push it from my brain but I knew something was wrong. I remember watching the ultrasound tech and knowing something was wrong. I remember looking at Justin who was watching the ultrasound and him shrugginng his shoulders, he didn't know if anything was wrong. And I remember the dr coming in and saying "you're gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and she shook her head no. I started screaming " I killed him" I thought it was my blood pressure, it wasn't. I remember Justin and my mom collapsing down on my chest. I couldn't breathe. In an instant, my world changed. I remember the pain of giving birth to Beckett. It was the worst out of the 4. I remember as soon as he was born they took him away so I wouldn't see him. I remember when I asked to see him and they brought him in. I looked him over up and down. I looked at his fingers and toes and his hair. I loved his hair. I saw the scratch on his leg from where the dr had to try to get him out. I was furious with that dr. How dare he hurt my baby. He didn't really hurt him, Beckett was already with Jesus at that time. And the most painful memory, my dad picking up my baby from my arms laying him in his bed and the nurse taking him away forever. It is still so painful to this day.

Change. That what this experience did to me, change me. Mostly for the good. I immediately looked to Jesus to carry me and He did. I asked Jesus to come into heart after this. I dove into the Word like I never had before. I prayed like I never had before. I found a peace like I never had before. My faith has grown, it has been tested a lot this year and I haven't always done a great job with it but my faith has still grown. I became a better mom, chershing moments and time. I felt I become a better human.

Some of the change hasn't been so great. Terror overtakes me more than I would like to admit that something will happen to one of my kids, especially the baby. Everytime I put her in her crib, I worry about her getting tangled in her swaddle blankets or that she will just stop breathing. I pray everytime I put her in her bed that she will be safe and I pray Coleman, Makaley, and Justin will too. I think it is my biggest fear that I will lose one of them.

Overall, with all the borrible that has happened we have made it through with God's grace and I hold onto the fact that all things work together for good for those who believe. My evidence of that is sleeping in my arms right now. She is beautiful with her brother, Beckett's hair. I know God gave her to us to help us heal. We are healing and will be for a long time.

2013 and random thoughts

So 2013 has been on my mind a lot lately. I really try hard to be positive as much as possible but 2013 scares me to death. 2012 was the worst year of my life. Death of child, a change in my job that was traumatic for me at first, Justin losing his job, Justin falling off the roof and numerous little things. Everyone keeps saying 2013 will be so much better, but I keep thinking..."what if it is worse?" How will I survive another year of extreme heartache and loss?
Today though at church, God kinda gave me a kick a pants. I am not trusting Him enough to take of next year. When I look back at 2012, God really did use horrible things for good. He changed me as person. He took a job situation that I wasn't thrilled about and made it into a great thing!! I am worried right now about Justin's job and finances a lot but I keep thinking, "if God can carry you through losing a child, how much easier is it for Him to take care of this job/finances thing?" From the very beginning when I prayed about Justin getting a job, I would pray that God would a provide a job that would meet our needs and for my heart to be prepared if He didn't do it the way I wanted Him too. That is kinda where I am right now. My faith is being tested with this job thing. I really thought Justin would already have a new job by now. I really thought God would honor my faith about it. I still think God will honor my faith that He is going to take care of us, I just have to except His timing is not my timing. SO HARD!!!! I have these plans and ideas of how things should be. If I could just be patient though, I know God's plan and idea is so much more than I could ever dream. Maybe that's how I need to start looking at 2013...Thinking about the plans and ideas that God has in store for our family instead of what is going to go wrong. I pray my perspective changes.

The world coming to an end???

This past week we went to visit some Mayan ruins in Progresso, Mexico. They were breath taking and such a neat experience for the entire family. We had our own private guide Russel, who was a descendant of the Mayans. Russel was full of information. At one time one of us mentioned something about the world coming to an end in 2012 according to the Mayans. I didn't catch everything Russel said, but I did catch that he said it was more like a cycle was ending and a new one would begin. I have thought a lot about that today. I have really been doing well the last couple of months. I will admit for most of 2012, I just have wished the world would end. Of course, I know the true way everything will go down. My Savior will come and get me but there have been so many times this year that I have begged and prayed for Jesus to come and take me away from this world. But as I thought about it today, I thought you know, my world ended this year with several big horrible, unfair events. Maybe my cycle is just beginning again. This time with more lessons learned and a reliance on the One who controls all my cycles.

Running Laps

Today I have received several texts and sweet messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day and many talking about how I am a Godly woman and mother. This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not a Godly woman. I long to be Godly with all of my heart. I want to be Godly so badly. I do feel however that God is refining me in a mighty way lately and He used this morning for another "ah-ha" moment. Our pastor talked this morning about tests. If you have paid any attention to my year this year you know, it has been a steady year of test, after test, after test. I'm exhausted from "running laps" as my pastor would put it. I am not a preacher but I want to share with you our sermon this morning because for me, it was super encouraging. "Testing reveals your faith and builds your life like nothing else, demonstrating to you that Jesus can do anything." Our pastor talked about how nothing shapes your life more than testing. As I reflected on that statement, I thought our pastor nailed it perfectly. The tests I have been through lately have changed my life drastically. I am not the same person I was a few months ago because Jesus changed me. I don't want to be bitter in my circumstances, I want to be better. I want to learn the lessons that God has in store for me through my tests and not have to keep running laps because I am not learning them. All of this just struck me hard. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house and thinking, I thought to myself, "you know...you are super strong. Most people couldn't have gone through what you have gone through the past few months and still have smile on their face." Today during the sermon, I thought "you idiot...your gonna be running laps forever because you just don't get it!!" I am weak! Let me say it again, I AM WEAK!! I am not the reason that I am okay right now. I am not the reason for the smile I have. I am not the reason, I am not bitter. I am okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to be okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to make it because Jesus will empower me to do the things I could never do on my own. Now, I have not arrived by any means. I still have so much to learn and honestly I am struggling with some things that have happened in the past couple of weeks. I am questioning them but even in my questioning I am determined to learn from Jesus in this test! Our pastor said this morning "You don't have to ask for Jesus' hand when you are sinking, His hand is already outstretched for you!" Well, I am gonna grab it and not let go. I am gonna choose to be weak and let Jesus be strong. I am gonna choose to let Jesus demonstrate that He can do anything!!! Will you continue to pray for me? Specifically pray that I will learn from every test that is coming my way right now the first time so that I won't have to keep running laps and maybe one day be a Godly woman!! :)

taking up my cross

In the Bible, Jesus talks about taking up your cross daily. When you start living for Jesus, pursecution comes in all directions and I believe Satan attacks harder to try to make you useless in your faith by getting you caught up in the middle of your circumstances. You get the point in your circumstances...do I let Satan win and become ineffective for Christ or do I take up my cross and trust that the God of the universe is in control? This is where I am right now, in some circumstances that are not fair and I did not ask for. I have these feelings and thoughts and then I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me in a calm voice "I am in control. Life is not fair, but I am. I am the beginning and end. The judge and jury. I've got this" So I choose to take up my cross. I choose to let Jesus help me bear this burden. I choose to let God handle this circumstance that is not fair. I choose to let the One in control of it all, be in control and take care of it. I choose to pray for a good attitude and pray that with the changes I am going through I can glorfiy God. I also will pray that with all these changes, my friends will stand by me. I will rely on the One who holds my future, rely on the one who loves me and thinks that I am worthy. I choose to take up my cross and follow Jesus.

May 6th 2012...not what I expected

May 6th, 2012, Beckett's due date....I dreaded it like I have never dreaded anything before. Sometimes the anticipation of an event is more difficult than the event itself. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. I felt myself sinking back down into deep sadness again and I think it was because I was thinking about if I were still pregnant what would be going on and Beckett's due date just loomed in front of me like huge hurdle I needed to jump. Honestly, I had prepared myself to not be at school for the month of May because I was going to have a baby so sometimes it was just hard for me to be there because I had such different plans.  But as always, let me say that again, ALWAYS, my Heavenly Father came through again for me today.

I woke up last night about 4 and started thinking about Beckett. Thinking about his delivery and the first and last time I held him. I just keep seeing in my mind, my dad picking him up from my arms and carrying him away from me and I just felt that helpless, awful emptiness again. I went back to sleep and when I got up I just prayed, "keep my eyes fixed on you Jesus". I started thinking about being baptised and what it meant and what Jesus did for me and I felt good. I checked facebook and as always, my wonderful friends reminded me of how much they love me, and I felt good. We got to church and I got ready to be baptised and I had a few minutes by myself sitting in front of a huge stain glass window with Jesus on it and I just felt peace. God used me getting baptised to help me keep the focus on Him and not on me...exactly what I needed today. My entire family and a few wonderful friends were there to see me get baptised and I just felt so loved. Afterward my entire family went out to eat. It was so nice just sitting there and visiting and talking and being normal. It was a happy time. When we got home, I said let's go on a four wheel ride. So Justin and I and the kids went four wheeling for a couple of hours and I loved just it. We made wonderful memories. It was the first time all four of us had been on a ride together. I loved it when Makaley said, "I don't think we will ever get out of here" but then she added, "it's okay, God is in control". We laughed and raced and then stopped at my MIL's for cake! It was so nice. We ended with a short trip to the cemetery and guess what?!?! Grass is finally growing on Beckett's grave. First time I had seen it, another way God just takes care of it!

God took a day that I honestly wanted to skip and He used it for His glory. He answered the prayers of many friends and family who prayed for me today and He made it a great day. He is so good to me!!! I should have never doubted that He would carry me through this day! He has carried me through the past few months. He wasn't going to drop me on a day that I needed Him most! He took May 6th and instead of remembering it as the day my son was supposed to be born, I will remember it as the day I was baptised and made some wonderful memories with my family!! Thank you Lord for giving me so much more than I ever deserve!!! Thank you Lord for May 6, 2012!

a little more honesty

Since I started my blog, I have prided myself on being honest about my journey through losing Beckett. Some things were tough to write about but I felt my honesty helped me deal with things and had the potential to others in a similar boat.  I feel it is time for some honesty and this time is mostly selfish because I am asking for some prayer.

I am struggling. I have been for the last couple weeks. I'm crying a lot and visiting Beckett's grave a lot. May 6th is getting closer and I just keep thinking about all the things that I would be going through or doing if I was still pregnant. I am having a hard time because I feel some pressure that I should be over this by now. I don't think I am ever going to be over this. I was doing well for a few weeks but the last couple the deep pain has returned.  Sometimes it just hurts so badly, I can't even describe it because I have never felt pain like this before.

Would you just pray that I will feel Jesus' arms around me right now and just feel comforted? The pain is still very real but I am trusting in the One who holds my future. I am trusting He is in control. I am trusting He will carry me through the tough hard times. Thanks dear friends for your prayers!!!