Running Laps

Today I have received several texts and sweet messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day and many talking about how I am a Godly woman and mother. This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not a Godly woman. I long to be Godly with all of my heart. I want to be Godly so badly. I do feel however that God is refining me in a mighty way lately and He used this morning for another "ah-ha" moment. Our pastor talked this morning about tests. If you have paid any attention to my year this year you know, it has been a steady year of test, after test, after test. I'm exhausted from "running laps" as my pastor would put it. I am not a preacher but I want to share with you our sermon this morning because for me, it was super encouraging. "Testing reveals your faith and builds your life like nothing else, demonstrating to you that Jesus can do anything." Our pastor talked about how nothing shapes your life more than testing. As I reflected on that statement, I thought our pastor nailed it perfectly. The tests I have been through lately have changed my life drastically. I am not the same person I was a few months ago because Jesus changed me. I don't want to be bitter in my circumstances, I want to be better. I want to learn the lessons that God has in store for me through my tests and not have to keep running laps because I am not learning them. All of this just struck me hard. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house and thinking, I thought to myself, "you know...you are super strong. Most people couldn't have gone through what you have gone through the past few months and still have smile on their face." Today during the sermon, I thought "you idiot...your gonna be running laps forever because you just don't get it!!" I am weak! Let me say it again, I AM WEAK!! I am not the reason that I am okay right now. I am not the reason for the smile I have. I am not the reason, I am not bitter. I am okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to be okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to make it because Jesus will empower me to do the things I could never do on my own. Now, I have not arrived by any means. I still have so much to learn and honestly I am struggling with some things that have happened in the past couple of weeks. I am questioning them but even in my questioning I am determined to learn from Jesus in this test! Our pastor said this morning "You don't have to ask for Jesus' hand when you are sinking, His hand is already outstretched for you!" Well, I am gonna grab it and not let go. I am gonna choose to be weak and let Jesus be strong. I am gonna choose to let Jesus demonstrate that He can do anything!!! Will you continue to pray for me? Specifically pray that I will learn from every test that is coming my way right now the first time so that I won't have to keep running laps and maybe one day be a Godly woman!! :)

taking up my cross

In the Bible, Jesus talks about taking up your cross daily. When you start living for Jesus, pursecution comes in all directions and I believe Satan attacks harder to try to make you useless in your faith by getting you caught up in the middle of your circumstances. You get the point in your circumstances...do I let Satan win and become ineffective for Christ or do I take up my cross and trust that the God of the universe is in control? This is where I am right now, in some circumstances that are not fair and I did not ask for. I have these feelings and thoughts and then I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me in a calm voice "I am in control. Life is not fair, but I am. I am the beginning and end. The judge and jury. I've got this" So I choose to take up my cross. I choose to let Jesus help me bear this burden. I choose to let God handle this circumstance that is not fair. I choose to let the One in control of it all, be in control and take care of it. I choose to pray for a good attitude and pray that with the changes I am going through I can glorfiy God. I also will pray that with all these changes, my friends will stand by me. I will rely on the One who holds my future, rely on the one who loves me and thinks that I am worthy. I choose to take up my cross and follow Jesus.

May 6th 2012...not what I expected

May 6th, 2012, Beckett's due date....I dreaded it like I have never dreaded anything before. Sometimes the anticipation of an event is more difficult than the event itself. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. I felt myself sinking back down into deep sadness again and I think it was because I was thinking about if I were still pregnant what would be going on and Beckett's due date just loomed in front of me like huge hurdle I needed to jump. Honestly, I had prepared myself to not be at school for the month of May because I was going to have a baby so sometimes it was just hard for me to be there because I had such different plans.  But as always, let me say that again, ALWAYS, my Heavenly Father came through again for me today.

I woke up last night about 4 and started thinking about Beckett. Thinking about his delivery and the first and last time I held him. I just keep seeing in my mind, my dad picking him up from my arms and carrying him away from me and I just felt that helpless, awful emptiness again. I went back to sleep and when I got up I just prayed, "keep my eyes fixed on you Jesus". I started thinking about being baptised and what it meant and what Jesus did for me and I felt good. I checked facebook and as always, my wonderful friends reminded me of how much they love me, and I felt good. We got to church and I got ready to be baptised and I had a few minutes by myself sitting in front of a huge stain glass window with Jesus on it and I just felt peace. God used me getting baptised to help me keep the focus on Him and not on me...exactly what I needed today. My entire family and a few wonderful friends were there to see me get baptised and I just felt so loved. Afterward my entire family went out to eat. It was so nice just sitting there and visiting and talking and being normal. It was a happy time. When we got home, I said let's go on a four wheel ride. So Justin and I and the kids went four wheeling for a couple of hours and I loved just it. We made wonderful memories. It was the first time all four of us had been on a ride together. I loved it when Makaley said, "I don't think we will ever get out of here" but then she added, "it's okay, God is in control". We laughed and raced and then stopped at my MIL's for cake! It was so nice. We ended with a short trip to the cemetery and guess what?!?! Grass is finally growing on Beckett's grave. First time I had seen it, another way God just takes care of it!

God took a day that I honestly wanted to skip and He used it for His glory. He answered the prayers of many friends and family who prayed for me today and He made it a great day. He is so good to me!!! I should have never doubted that He would carry me through this day! He has carried me through the past few months. He wasn't going to drop me on a day that I needed Him most! He took May 6th and instead of remembering it as the day my son was supposed to be born, I will remember it as the day I was baptised and made some wonderful memories with my family!! Thank you Lord for giving me so much more than I ever deserve!!! Thank you Lord for May 6, 2012!