May 6th 2012...not what I expected

May 6th, 2012, Beckett's due date....I dreaded it like I have never dreaded anything before. Sometimes the anticipation of an event is more difficult than the event itself. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. I felt myself sinking back down into deep sadness again and I think it was because I was thinking about if I were still pregnant what would be going on and Beckett's due date just loomed in front of me like huge hurdle I needed to jump. Honestly, I had prepared myself to not be at school for the month of May because I was going to have a baby so sometimes it was just hard for me to be there because I had such different plans.  But as always, let me say that again, ALWAYS, my Heavenly Father came through again for me today.

I woke up last night about 4 and started thinking about Beckett. Thinking about his delivery and the first and last time I held him. I just keep seeing in my mind, my dad picking him up from my arms and carrying him away from me and I just felt that helpless, awful emptiness again. I went back to sleep and when I got up I just prayed, "keep my eyes fixed on you Jesus". I started thinking about being baptised and what it meant and what Jesus did for me and I felt good. I checked facebook and as always, my wonderful friends reminded me of how much they love me, and I felt good. We got to church and I got ready to be baptised and I had a few minutes by myself sitting in front of a huge stain glass window with Jesus on it and I just felt peace. God used me getting baptised to help me keep the focus on Him and not on me...exactly what I needed today. My entire family and a few wonderful friends were there to see me get baptised and I just felt so loved. Afterward my entire family went out to eat. It was so nice just sitting there and visiting and talking and being normal. It was a happy time. When we got home, I said let's go on a four wheel ride. So Justin and I and the kids went four wheeling for a couple of hours and I loved just it. We made wonderful memories. It was the first time all four of us had been on a ride together. I loved it when Makaley said, "I don't think we will ever get out of here" but then she added, "it's okay, God is in control". We laughed and raced and then stopped at my MIL's for cake! It was so nice. We ended with a short trip to the cemetery and guess what?!?! Grass is finally growing on Beckett's grave. First time I had seen it, another way God just takes care of it!

God took a day that I honestly wanted to skip and He used it for His glory. He answered the prayers of many friends and family who prayed for me today and He made it a great day. He is so good to me!!! I should have never doubted that He would carry me through this day! He has carried me through the past few months. He wasn't going to drop me on a day that I needed Him most! He took May 6th and instead of remembering it as the day my son was supposed to be born, I will remember it as the day I was baptised and made some wonderful memories with my family!! Thank you Lord for giving me so much more than I ever deserve!!! Thank you Lord for May 6, 2012!