Tomorrow is February 17th. One whole year. To be honest it was a fast year. Last night as I was feeding Pippa, it all came flooding back. I couldn't help it, I relived that day one year ago. I have a terrible memory...it is horrible, but I can remember some things about that day like it was yesterday. I remember laying in the hospital bed and the first moment I thought something was wrong. I tried to push it from my brain but I knew something was wrong. I remember watching the ultrasound tech and knowing something was wrong. I remember looking at Justin who was watching the ultrasound and him shrugginng his shoulders, he didn't know if anything was wrong. And I remember the dr coming in and saying "you're gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and she shook her head no. I started screaming " I killed him" I thought it was my blood pressure, it wasn't. I remember Justin and my mom collapsing down on my chest. I couldn't breathe. In an instant, my world changed. I remember the pain of giving birth to Beckett. It was the worst out of the 4. I remember as soon as he was born they took him away so I wouldn't see him. I remember when I asked to see him and they brought him in. I looked him over up and down. I looked at his fingers and toes and his hair. I loved his hair. I saw the scratch on his leg from where the dr had to try to get him out. I was furious with that dr. How dare he hurt my baby. He didn't really hurt him, Beckett was already with Jesus at that time. And the most painful memory, my dad picking up my baby from my arms laying him in his bed and the nurse taking him away forever. It is still so painful to this day.
Change. That what this experience did to me, change me. Mostly for the good. I immediately looked to Jesus to carry me and He did. I asked Jesus to come into heart after this. I dove into the Word like I never had before. I prayed like I never had before. I found a peace like I never had before. My faith has grown, it has been tested a lot this year and I haven't always done a great job with it but my faith has still grown. I became a better mom, chershing moments and time. I felt I become a better human.
Some of the change hasn't been so great. Terror overtakes me more than I would like to admit that something will happen to one of my kids, especially the baby. Everytime I put her in her crib, I worry about her getting tangled in her swaddle blankets or that she will just stop breathing. I pray everytime I put her in her bed that she will be safe and I pray Coleman, Makaley, and Justin will too. I think it is my biggest fear that I will lose one of them.
Overall, with all the borrible that has happened we have made it through with God's grace and I hold onto the fact that all things work together for good for those who believe. My evidence of that is sleeping in my arms right now. She is beautiful with her brother, Beckett's hair. I know God gave her to us to help us heal. We are healing and will be for a long time.
As I watched that monitor I knew, but I refused to believe I had lost my son until the Dr. actually said it. It was a crushing blow but my immediate concern was Stacy. I knew this was harder, much harder on her than it was on me and there was very little I could do to make any of this more bearable. Many times after a couple loses a child divorce is soon to follow b/c the couples grieve in different ways and it drives them apart. I am thankful that even though we were very different in our grieving we tried to understand each other and work through it. I am thankful we held on to each other and looked to God for strength during the darkest and most trying time of our lives. I am also thankful for everyone's prayers they were of great value to us all.
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