Grief

"God is aware of your circumstances and moves among them. God is aware of your pain and monitors every second of it. God is aware of your emptiness and seeks to fill it in a manner beyond your dreams. God is aware of your wounds and scars and knows how to draw forth a healing deeper than you can imagine. Even when your situation seems out of control. Even when you feel alone or afraid. God works the night shift." - Ron Mehl

A sweet sweet friend gave me a book this week that I decided today to read through. I am half way through it and am encouraged because it tells me I am not crazy. I feel crazy. One minute I'm fine the next  I' m just lost. I am always with it and I'm always strong. You can depend on me. This is who I am but this book is teaching me that I'm not who I am right now and who I am will change some. I am outgoing and vocal (well that hasn't changed and won't) but being outgoing right now is hard on me. I want people to think I am strong and this book is showing me, I am only hurting myself when I am not honest. It took a lot for me to write the last post. I don't want people to judge me because my faith is unsteady right now. But this is the way it is and it is okay. This book is showing me that it is okay to focus on me for now. I have to work though this grief and that will require a focus on me.

One of the lines in this book says, "Once you hae experienced the seriousness of your loss, you will be able to experience the wonder of being alive" (Experiencing Grief by Wright) I have brief moments when I feel that I am alive again. I like them. I long for them.

Two more things I want to share from this book. "Grief is a journey that moves across unknown terrain that includes valleys and mountains, the arid desert with an occsional oasis." (Wright) This is how I feel. Up and down, in the heat of the desert and every once in a while a brief moment of joy that almost seems like an illusion. This book just makes me feel normal.

Last thing, this is why I write. "Silence covers wounds before the cleansing has occured. The result will be an emotional infection" (Wright) I don't want to silent about my experience. It heals me everytime I write. Some of the things are unpleasant and horrible, but when I put my feelings, longing, and thoughts into words, it helps me to feel whole again. I just want to feel whole again. I think the "whole" will not be what it was before. This experience has and will continue to change me. But what I am finding is I have a chose on how it changes me. Each day I make a chose, some days I choose wisely other days I don't. But what I have learned by starting to read this book is that is okay. I don't always have to make good chooses. I don't always have to be wise, I have to feel how I feel, work through it, and decide what to do. In the end, I have no doubt, I won't be left bitter or angry even if I feel this way right now. All I know is I will different.

Brutal Honesty

Tragedy is all around me and I am not sure how much more I can take. Along with losing my baby, other horrible things are happening to people I love. I am beginning to lose faith. The Bible talks about not getting more than you can handle but last night I got some news and called a friend and said, "I can't handle anything else" Several minutes later I got another call and it was horrible news. I've tried really hard to keep my focus on God the last few weeks but that focus is wavering. I'm starting to question everything. I am beginning to get resentful. I told you last week we went to church even though we did not want to. I so desperately needed a word from God that day. What I didn't tell you was I got nothing. I felt abandoned and let down. I was supposed to work a full day today but I couldn't even bring myself to stay at school. Along with grieving for my baby, I am in the battle of my life. I feel like I have been kicked and punched and the second I start to pick it up, here comes another blow. My heart wants to believe that God is in control of this chaos and I have held tight to that the last couple of weeks but my goodness, we need a break from all this tragedy.

My friends, please pray for my friends that are going through some awful things right now. They need strength and peace, just like I did 12 days ago. Also pray for me. My heart wants to be honoring to God but my faith is starting to fail. I desperately need a word from God soon. I need to believe that I haven't been abandoned.

Heaven

Today I felt such a strong need to go and visit Beckett. I know Beckett is not in his grave, he is with Jesus but I needed to go and visit him. This bothers my husband because he is not there but Beckett's grave is all I have. I felt an incredibly strong urge to just be near him and just cry.

 Everytime I turn on the tv someone is pregnant or having a baby. I don't get upset or angry. I just have a longing for my baby. I keep thinking about the moment I will meet him in Heaven. Will he be an adult or will he be a baby? We will all have our heavenly bodies and I don't necessarily know what that means. Will I instantly know about the time he was in Heaven without me? I sure hope so. Will Beckett be one of the first ones I meet? Will he finally get to call me mom or will any of that matter because we are in Heaven. For now, I need to believe, it does matter and Beckett will be there and be one of the first people I see. I can't wait!

Life goes on

And life goes on. Today as I went back to work I was astounded that life goes on. My life seems to be frozen right now. Even though I am putting up an effort to keep going I feel I am being held back. How stupid is it that I feel life would stop. I am not mad at anyone, I  have just been so wrapped up in myself and not moving forward that I forgot everyone else would. I want to move on but I feel there are still many things I have to work through. I'm not even sure moving on is the right term. I want to live. I feel like I haven't been living and the mother inside me thinks I am not supposed to live anymore. I feel very guilty about wanting to move on. Beckett will always be a part of me and our family. He just has to be and he would want me to go and live.

All that being said, I enjoyed teaching today. I only did a little bit but I loved it. I'm meant to be a teacher. I am not always good at it. I have my on and off days, but I enjoy the teaching part of my job. I am exhausted but glad I went back. Tomorrow will be a little easier and the next day will be a little easier. And I'm gonna be alright!

I feel like Debbie Downer

I go back to work tomorrow for half days. I am anxious about it! My body physically is fine, but emotionally is tired. I feel I have to move on. I think this is best for my family, my students, and me but I am nervous.

Today we went back to church and let me tell you there was some spiritual warfare going on today. I did not want to go to church today. Justin didn't want to go to church today. I did not want to worship and I did not want to listen to the pastor. Honestly, I lost part of the battle today. We went to church but it took a lot out of me. I am not proud of this but I felt the need to share.

Today we had the kids pictures made again. This time it was outside shots. One of my children did not cooperate. Kari did her best and she is extremely talented. The pictures will be great except for my son. I am just not very happy with him. He wouldn't even try. He just hurt me.

Need lots of prayer as I head to work tomorrow and get back to life. I think it will be harder than I thought it was going to be.

Triggers

Today was a simple day. Coleman had a basketball game and they won and he scored 5 points and had several rebounds. Then we went to Fayetteville. Justin and Coleman needed some clothes and we had to get a water filter. As I walked past the baby section in Target I held Justin's arm. It was hard. I have bought most all of our baby stuff at Target. I need to take it back but I just can't bring myself to let Justin do it. Is that wierd?

The hardest part of the day was at Old Navy. As I walked around I saw a woman with a brand new baby and she had my infant carrier and stroller. That was difficult. Boy, how I stressed about that infant carrier. I wanted it to be perfect. I picked a green one with brown. It would have matched the nursery perfectly. It is amazing to me how the craziest things hit me and effect me. I know I need to get used to this. It is going to my life from now on. There will be triggers all around me for the rest of my life and they will set me off.

Even with triggers and sad moments, It was a good day. I appreciate my time with my family more. I take the time to stop and just enjoy my children more than I used to. I'm learning what is most important. I am growing and I am becoming a better mom and wife. I am very thankful to God for this.

glory

I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle and I'm tired from fighting it. I feel like it is the battle between giving in to being consumed by darkness or putting one foot in the front of the other and keep going. Right now it is a pretty even battle. I want to believe that keep going is going to win but it just seems so much easier to give in to the darkness. There is a big piece of me that wants to crawl in a hole.

I don't really feel like I have the luxary to do that. I honestly believe I am going through this so I can share with others my feelings and let them know it is okay to feel how you feel. I also believe I am going through this to show that you can give God the glory even in the worst of times.  I am nothing if not completely honest when I write so I am going to tell you...this is not easy. It is hard to give God glory in this. If you know me you know I am a country music girl through and through but today I felt led to turn on our local Christian radio station and an older song came on that I know and I know God wanted me to sing to Him but even that was battle. I did it with tears streaming down my face. My heart wants to be honoring to God in this but my head is screaming "no". I have to believe Beckett's death has a purpose. I believe one of the purposes is to bring people to a saving grace in Jesus Christ. I believe it is also to bring me closer to the Living God, actually our famliy closer. It bothers me to think that God had to do something so drastic as to take our son to bring me closer to Him. Now don't take that wrong. I don't mean God did this too me, I just mean He is using the circumstances in this way.

Just pray for me! I decided very quickly after Beckett's death that I would not be bitter and I would give God glory and I would share my deepest feelings and thoughts because I believe they make a difference. But know that it is a battle to do this. When I am writing it takes all the energy out of me but then shortly after I am done I usually have a renewed energy. I choose to believe this comes from my Heavenly Father, who is saying "good job, honey, you did what I wanted you to do." Have a blessed day friends!

Normal

Today I spent the day with one of my best friends. This friend has been my best friend for many years. She was there for the birth of all three of children. She rejoiced with me over Coleman and Makaley and cried with me over Beckett. She took me to lunch with one of our other best friends and we got our nails done and went got me some new clothes. It was so nice to feel normal for just a few hours. I so needed to do this today and I appreicate it so much but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I am never supposed to be happy again. I feel like I should never have a good day again. I know this is silly but I feel like happiness is not supposed to be in the cards for me even though I am surrounded by happy things. My children bring me so much happiness. My husband is the light of my life. And I have the most amazing friends who have stepped up to take care of me over the past week and have shown me so much love.

You know tomorrow will be one week since Beckett's death. It feels just like it was yesterday. And that brings me to the word normal. Normal for me is changing. When I was pregnant I often thought about how when Beckett got here how our "normal" was going to change. Our family dynamics would be forever different. Now that Beckett is gone I worry about my  new normal. I worry that I will never be happy again. I worry that I will always be on the verge of tears. I am fighting this worry with all my being. I know I can be happy and I know that I will go a day without tears eventually. I have to beat the guilt that I am feeling about having a good day.

I have to end positive. I can't stand it when I don't. Today I got serveral cards in the mail and I got to read all the cards my sweet class wrote me. It was nice. One of my sweet babies put in my card that he wants to protect me. How precious is that? I was also told that I was beautiful, the best teacher in the world, and magicial. Now if that can't make a person happy...then nothing can.

The most important post - if you only read one please read this one

It's done. Just our closest family and a few friends went to the cemetary this afternoon. It was sunshiny and beautiful. You could hear the birds singing. As I looked around you could see the hills surrounding the spot where we buried our son. It is a nice spot.

The casket was baby blue and not much bigger than a shoebox. The hole for the casket was only a couple of feet wide. It just didn't seem right. It didn't seem right to be buring this tiny child with all of these people who got to live till they were older and enjoy life.

I wanted to see the casket so we had Wasson's not put it in the box until we got out to the cemetary. It was so small it fit in the front seat. The front seat! Of course when I saw it I lost it but pulled it together fairly quickly. Then they had to put the casket in a wooden box. I hope these next few lines don't affend anyone. I walked away and turned around so I couldn't see them putting my son in a wooden box. And then I heard it. Hammer to nails going into wood. My mind immediately went to....this must have been how it felt when God gave up Jesus. Excrutiating pain to let go of your child. I have imagined how this must have felt before but I don't really truly think I understood it until that moment. I have a deeper understanding and a deeper amazement that God would give up His Son for me. I am going to be honest,  I wouldn't do that for you. I would lay down my life for many of you but I wouldn't sacrifice any of my children for you. I don't mean that to hateful, I just mean, you need to wrap your mind around what God did for you. He did something for you that I don't think you could do for others.

Jesus died for you. God gave His son to die on a cross so that you could go to Heaven. You are a sinner. I am too. (sometimes I think I am the worst of the worst)  Unless you ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and accept that he died for us and to come and live in your heart, you will spend eternity without Him. I am not a Bible scholar but if you want to talk about this with me send me your number and I will call. I don't have all the answers but I know God loves you and wants you to be in Heaven with him someday. I want you to be Heaven too. I want you to meet my Beckett. I know you will love him.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that who so ever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

weak

I just feel so weak today. It took me so long to even get the energy to crawl out of the shower. I just don't feel I have anything today. I feel I am sinking.

I don't understand why sometimes I feel okay and others I just feel defeated. I need some prayers.

Today we bury our son

Today we bury our son. He will be buried next to his great grandparents and eventually me. Eventually me. That is an interesting statement. Don't read into this more than I am saying. I am not going to hurt myself or anything.

I am remembering more and more about when Beckett was born. I'm starting to remember screaming over and over as I was giving birth. " I just want to die" and I remember thinking, "Why can't you just take me instead". I think this is normal. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally I honestly believed it was more than I could I bear. I just wanted to give up and I just thought it would be so much easier to just die. I am struggling now with this. I really want to see my baby...alive but I have two babies that need me and I have a husband who loves me and takes such good care of me, I have a lot to live for. One more time I am gonna say, don't read into this more than what I am saying. I am not gonna hurt myself, these are just my feelings and thoughts that I am working through.

Today things just seem so final. I can't really explain what I mean or am thinking, it just seems final. I feel very mixed up inside today. My feelings are just jumbled and I don't know what I am thinking or feeling and I just feel confused and honestly I just want to go back to bed and not go through this day.

Okay, I need to end this on a happy note. I've got to focus on something happy. My first grade class. I miss them. They are such a interesting group of children. Some of them are so smart, I feel they should teach the class. Some of them are so goofy, they make me laugh. Some of them are so sweet, they melt my heart.

My children. Makaley loves to sing at the top of her lungs in the shower. She sounds horrible. If any of you ever tell her this I will deny it because I tell her it is beautiful. Mom compares her singing to Ms. Piggy. Coleman is so wise. He gets this from his father. He thinks deeper than any other child I have ever seen. He thinks about life in such a deep way he makes me feel, well, stupid. Those two kids get along so well. They have their moments but for the most part they love each other and coexist together very nicely. I think Beckett would have fit right in.

My husband. Our first few years were rocky, I mean rocky. Of course I was 18 when we got married. Some how over time and me maturing we made it. I am so thankful. It took me some time but ladies this man is incredible. He amazed me at the father he is. He is a better father than I am mother. He is also a wonderful husband. Does he do stupid man things sometimes...yes, but he loves me more than anything and takes such good care of me. I really don't deserve him. I got lucky!!!

My mom and dad. They love me so much. They would move the earth for me if I asked them to. My mom has stayed with me since Beckett's death and my dad took care of all the funeral arrangements. They will be upset I am telling you this but are paying for part of the head stone as is Justin's parents. They won't let us pay a dime of it. My parents have always been there for me and I know that I can always count on them. The reason I turned out so amazing (haha) is because of them. I hope they know how much I love them and God loves them too!

Too me, this is my strangest post yet! Start out talking about buring my son but ending with, I really have a blessed life. It is not necessarily an easy life right now but it is blessed with great parents, an amazing husband and THREE beautiful children.

Going through the motions- this is a hard one to read

I do believe today will just be a going through the motions kind of day. The kids are going back to school and I'm just not feeling it today. I feel kinda crazy. Yesterday afternoon, after picking out the headstone was done and over, I felt strong the rest of the day. Maybe it is good the kids are going back to school because it gave me a reason to get out bed. Right now I kinda feel like the tears are coming and to be honest, I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be this strong woman for my family but today I just feel weak. Today I need to let God carry me. Any of you that truly know me, know that I struggle with not being in control. I gotta let it go today and just be carried, much easier said then done for me because I have always believed it was my job and duty to be the strongest of the strongest and to carry everyone. I believe God just made me to be strong. I kinda feel like I am fighting these demons of just wanting to let go and be carried but also show that I can handle this.

I talk to Beckett each morning and each evening. I hope that is not wierd. I get the little yellow hat that they had on his head when I held him that I cherish more than anything now, and I just hold it and tell him that I love him and I miss him and I hope he has a good day in Heaven. I just long to hold him and have him look up at me.

I know there are no answers but I am still questioning why this happened to us. In my heart I know there is no answer and I know God didn't do this to us but my head is asking me what horrible thing did you do to deserve this. My husband is so wise. He said as parents when we disapline our children, they know what it is for and we are tring to correct their ways. He asked me what is He punishing you for? I listed off a bunch of things and He said, you don't know. And the most profound thing he said to me was "God doesn't abuse us." He doesn't punish you by taking your child. He has reasons that are meant for His glory and for His Kingdom. I think part of the reason is to draw me closer to Him and to touch so many people. I believe in my heart that Beckett's death has touched a ton of people. I have to believe that it is not in vein and senseless.

I am sorry dear friends. I know this is a more serious post and is pretty hard and deep. I will quit babbling, it just helps to write. Thank you for walking through this with me. Love you dearly!

What you need to know

I feel the need to share something. I have had so much love come my way today, it has been amazing. To be honest, I didn't know I was loved this much. I am just amazed. I want you to know that your prayers are being felt. I have never felt God's presence like I have the last 2 days. I feel Him with me at every moment. I feel He is carring me and I know He is carring my precious Beckett. I know this is the reason that I am doing okay. I am not great but I am okay. I have moments and I will for the rest of my life. I think the thing I need to ask is keep up the prayers. They ARE making the difference. They are what is pulling me through. They are the thing that will keep me going.

Trees

A tree. Don't know how it happened but today this has become Beckett's symbol. Let me explain. As I was thinking about decorating the nursery, I did a lot of research. I fell in love with a green nursery with a huge tree on the wall that would hold up letters spelling Beckett's name.

Fast forward to today. A sweet, sweet friend texted me while I was on the way to pick out my son's head stone. (It still seems very unreal to say that) Anyways, her husband and her decided they would like to buy a tree for us to plant at our house in honor of Beckett. I LOVE THIS IDEA! Well we get to the place to pick out the headstone and Justin sees one with a tree...it seemed perfect! So this is what we got.  Some time we might have a party at my house where we have food and fellowship and fun and then go see his head stone. I guess that probably doesn't sound like a great time to most of you but to me, it sounds perfect.

 I love the fact that I will have a tree that will grow and remind me of my son. It just seems right!

2:30 in the morning

The first thing I want to say as I begin my journey blogging is I am the worst speller in the world. Always have been always will be.

Some of this will be hard for you to read, but I ask as your friend to just go on this journey with me. I need it from you.

It is 2:30 in the morning and sleep aludes me. I do not normally struggle with sleeping but tonight I can't get my mind to stop. I have been in an unreal fog the last couple of days and I am beginning to see myself come out of it. Then I start to think, "you are a greiving mother, who just lost a child, you are supposted to be in this fog for a long time, that is what good people do." I feel like I need to come out of this fog because my kids and husband need me. My husband has been the strong one for us for the last several months as I have struggled with my pregnancy with Beckett. He has taken care of me better than any man has taken care of a woman before. I love him and appreciate him more than anything.

And just like that I want to talk about Beckett. Friday was the worst day of our lives. When I got to the er, I honestly believed my bp was high and that I might go on bed rest but everything else was okay. (I have struggled with this for the last couple days because I think as Beckett's mom, I should have known something was wrong) They came to put the monitor on me and couldn't find his heartbeat. At that moment I didn't panic yet, I thought well your fat and they can't find it because of all the fat. Then they brought the doppler in and couldn't find his heartbeat. That is when I thought for the first time "Is something wrong?' But when they finally did the ultrasound and I watched the dr and the tech I knew in my heart something was terribly wrong but I still had hope that we could deliver him and it would be okay. The dr walked in a few minutes later and said "your gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and shook her no and in an instant my world changed and it crumbled. I immediately thought it was my fault. As most of you know I have struggled with bp for the pregnancy. I thought my body had killed my baby. While I am told this did not happen, I feel my body let me down and I still think that if it was stronger it could have saved him. I also think as his mamma I should have known something was terribly wrong with him. I will work through these feelings.

So then we get to the hard part. I have to deliver and go through labor with no reward at the end. When I gave birth to Coleman and Makaley it was hard, but as soon as they handed me those babies, it was fine. This time, I had to give birth to a baby that will never call me mom, that I will never play with, I will never get to change his diaper, or feed him, or rock him. Mostly, what I remember about giving birth this time, is the pain. I don't remember from the other times, but this time the pain both physically and mentally was almost more than I could I bare. To be completely honest, in my weakness, I kept thinking and I may have said it, "I just want to die". I feel bad about that now because it was selfish. My other babies need me. I am holding onto that now.

Anyways, I had to make a decision. Do I hold Beckett? Or do I never know what he looks like? I am not good at decisions but I am completely confident that I did the right thing. Beckett was beautiful. He had lots of dark hair. I wanted a dark haired baby because the others were blonde. He had a Honea nose and my huge, and I mean huge feet. He was tiny. 2 pounds and 8 ounces but he was 17 inches long already. His little head was so small and just full of that hair. I may not be much to look at but I make gorgeous babies.

The hospital told us about a program called "Now I lay me down to sleep". A professional photographier comes in and takes very tasteful pictures of the baby so you can have them. I already had an appointment scheduled to do this when Beckett arrived. I had looked forward to it so much because my friend who was going to take the pictures is an amazing photographier. So anyways, I was so thankful that I would have these of Beckett. I need to remember how perfect he was. We are going tomorrow to have pictures made of Coleman and Makaley and it may be weird or upsetting to some but I will have a picture of all my kids around the same time hanging in my house. Beckett's life may have only happened inside me but it is a life worth celebrating. I can guartnee you Beckett would have been a live wire. He would have given us a run for our money. It is funny how you know some of those things, even when they are just in your tummy.

My dear friends, I am not good at asking for things for myself. I never have been. But I have a request. I am not good at doing things on my own. Right now, I feel very alone and I hate it. Please keep your sweet thoughts and messages coming, I need them. Please come and see me and just talk to me. I know you don't know what to say, you don't have to say anything! Let's talk about the weather or your kids or cows....I don't care, just talk to me. If I have a moment of weakness don't feel uncomfortable, just sit there and wait for me to get over it. Thank you!

I am sure I will be writing more. I am the biggest open book you have ever met. I just say exactly how I feel and be it good or bad, that is who I am. Thanks for reading and for loving on me dear friends!