2:30 in the morning

The first thing I want to say as I begin my journey blogging is I am the worst speller in the world. Always have been always will be.

Some of this will be hard for you to read, but I ask as your friend to just go on this journey with me. I need it from you.

It is 2:30 in the morning and sleep aludes me. I do not normally struggle with sleeping but tonight I can't get my mind to stop. I have been in an unreal fog the last couple of days and I am beginning to see myself come out of it. Then I start to think, "you are a greiving mother, who just lost a child, you are supposted to be in this fog for a long time, that is what good people do." I feel like I need to come out of this fog because my kids and husband need me. My husband has been the strong one for us for the last several months as I have struggled with my pregnancy with Beckett. He has taken care of me better than any man has taken care of a woman before. I love him and appreciate him more than anything.

And just like that I want to talk about Beckett. Friday was the worst day of our lives. When I got to the er, I honestly believed my bp was high and that I might go on bed rest but everything else was okay. (I have struggled with this for the last couple days because I think as Beckett's mom, I should have known something was wrong) They came to put the monitor on me and couldn't find his heartbeat. At that moment I didn't panic yet, I thought well your fat and they can't find it because of all the fat. Then they brought the doppler in and couldn't find his heartbeat. That is when I thought for the first time "Is something wrong?' But when they finally did the ultrasound and I watched the dr and the tech I knew in my heart something was terribly wrong but I still had hope that we could deliver him and it would be okay. The dr walked in a few minutes later and said "your gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and shook her no and in an instant my world changed and it crumbled. I immediately thought it was my fault. As most of you know I have struggled with bp for the pregnancy. I thought my body had killed my baby. While I am told this did not happen, I feel my body let me down and I still think that if it was stronger it could have saved him. I also think as his mamma I should have known something was terribly wrong with him. I will work through these feelings.

So then we get to the hard part. I have to deliver and go through labor with no reward at the end. When I gave birth to Coleman and Makaley it was hard, but as soon as they handed me those babies, it was fine. This time, I had to give birth to a baby that will never call me mom, that I will never play with, I will never get to change his diaper, or feed him, or rock him. Mostly, what I remember about giving birth this time, is the pain. I don't remember from the other times, but this time the pain both physically and mentally was almost more than I could I bare. To be completely honest, in my weakness, I kept thinking and I may have said it, "I just want to die". I feel bad about that now because it was selfish. My other babies need me. I am holding onto that now.

Anyways, I had to make a decision. Do I hold Beckett? Or do I never know what he looks like? I am not good at decisions but I am completely confident that I did the right thing. Beckett was beautiful. He had lots of dark hair. I wanted a dark haired baby because the others were blonde. He had a Honea nose and my huge, and I mean huge feet. He was tiny. 2 pounds and 8 ounces but he was 17 inches long already. His little head was so small and just full of that hair. I may not be much to look at but I make gorgeous babies.

The hospital told us about a program called "Now I lay me down to sleep". A professional photographier comes in and takes very tasteful pictures of the baby so you can have them. I already had an appointment scheduled to do this when Beckett arrived. I had looked forward to it so much because my friend who was going to take the pictures is an amazing photographier. So anyways, I was so thankful that I would have these of Beckett. I need to remember how perfect he was. We are going tomorrow to have pictures made of Coleman and Makaley and it may be weird or upsetting to some but I will have a picture of all my kids around the same time hanging in my house. Beckett's life may have only happened inside me but it is a life worth celebrating. I can guartnee you Beckett would have been a live wire. He would have given us a run for our money. It is funny how you know some of those things, even when they are just in your tummy.

My dear friends, I am not good at asking for things for myself. I never have been. But I have a request. I am not good at doing things on my own. Right now, I feel very alone and I hate it. Please keep your sweet thoughts and messages coming, I need them. Please come and see me and just talk to me. I know you don't know what to say, you don't have to say anything! Let's talk about the weather or your kids or cows....I don't care, just talk to me. If I have a moment of weakness don't feel uncomfortable, just sit there and wait for me to get over it. Thank you!

I am sure I will be writing more. I am the biggest open book you have ever met. I just say exactly how I feel and be it good or bad, that is who I am. Thanks for reading and for loving on me dear friends!