Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Grief

"God is aware of your circumstances and moves among them. God is aware of your pain and monitors every second of it. God is aware of your emptiness and seeks to fill it in a manner beyond your dreams. God is aware of your wounds and scars and knows how to draw forth a healing deeper than you can imagine. Even when your situation seems out of control. Even when you feel alone or afraid. God works the night shift." - Ron Mehl

A sweet sweet friend gave me a book this week that I decided today to read through. I am half way through it and am encouraged because it tells me I am not crazy. I feel crazy. One minute I'm fine the next  I' m just lost. I am always with it and I'm always strong. You can depend on me. This is who I am but this book is teaching me that I'm not who I am right now and who I am will change some. I am outgoing and vocal (well that hasn't changed and won't) but being outgoing right now is hard on me. I want people to think I am strong and this book is showing me, I am only hurting myself when I am not honest. It took a lot for me to write the last post. I don't want people to judge me because my faith is unsteady right now. But this is the way it is and it is okay. This book is showing me that it is okay to focus on me for now. I have to work though this grief and that will require a focus on me.

One of the lines in this book says, "Once you hae experienced the seriousness of your loss, you will be able to experience the wonder of being alive" (Experiencing Grief by Wright) I have brief moments when I feel that I am alive again. I like them. I long for them.

Two more things I want to share from this book. "Grief is a journey that moves across unknown terrain that includes valleys and mountains, the arid desert with an occsional oasis." (Wright) This is how I feel. Up and down, in the heat of the desert and every once in a while a brief moment of joy that almost seems like an illusion. This book just makes me feel normal.

Last thing, this is why I write. "Silence covers wounds before the cleansing has occured. The result will be an emotional infection" (Wright) I don't want to silent about my experience. It heals me everytime I write. Some of the things are unpleasant and horrible, but when I put my feelings, longing, and thoughts into words, it helps me to feel whole again. I just want to feel whole again. I think the "whole" will not be what it was before. This experience has and will continue to change me. But what I am finding is I have a chose on how it changes me. Each day I make a chose, some days I choose wisely other days I don't. But what I have learned by starting to read this book is that is okay. I don't always have to make good chooses. I don't always have to be wise, I have to feel how I feel, work through it, and decide what to do. In the end, I have no doubt, I won't be left bitter or angry even if I feel this way right now. All I know is I will different.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your honesty yesterday and today! There are stages to grieving and you are doing BEAUTIFULLY! :O) I don't want to be that friend that gives you advice because I have not been where you are and I don't have any advice worth taking during this time of your life. All I can do is walk with you through your writing and try to encourage when I have something to say. Keep reading and keep walking... the rest will come in His good time.

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