Today I spent the day with one of my best friends. This friend has been my best friend for many years. She was there for the birth of all three of children. She rejoiced with me over Coleman and Makaley and cried with me over Beckett. She took me to lunch with one of our other best friends and we got our nails done and went got me some new clothes. It was so nice to feel normal for just a few hours. I so needed to do this today and I appreicate it so much but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I am never supposed to be happy again. I feel like I should never have a good day again. I know this is silly but I feel like happiness is not supposed to be in the cards for me even though I am surrounded by happy things. My children bring me so much happiness. My husband is the light of my life. And I have the most amazing friends who have stepped up to take care of me over the past week and have shown me so much love.
You know tomorrow will be one week since Beckett's death. It feels just like it was yesterday. And that brings me to the word normal. Normal for me is changing. When I was pregnant I often thought about how when Beckett got here how our "normal" was going to change. Our family dynamics would be forever different. Now that Beckett is gone I worry about my new normal. I worry that I will never be happy again. I worry that I will always be on the verge of tears. I am fighting this worry with all my being. I know I can be happy and I know that I will go a day without tears eventually. I have to beat the guilt that I am feeling about having a good day.
I have to end positive. I can't stand it when I don't. Today I got serveral cards in the mail and I got to read all the cards my sweet class wrote me. It was nice. One of my sweet babies put in my card that he wants to protect me. How precious is that? I was also told that I was beautiful, the best teacher in the world, and magicial. Now if that can't make a person happy...then nothing can.
I am so happy you had a good day. You deserve to be happy. There will be days and times when you won't be and that is okay. There will be times when you want to cry, so you do. Don't worry about things you have no control over. Remember, God doesn't need our help. He has it all under control. Who really knows what normal is? You just get out of bed every day, get dressed, put one foot in front of the other and go do your thing.
ReplyDeleteMom Gentry... you are sooo RIGHT! You have to take it one day at a time and although you will ALWAYS have a little place where Beckett's memories live, you will have more and more better days than hard ones. God does not want you to be miserable forever, He wants you to be happy. He also has put this valley in your journey to strengthen you and show others, through your example, what it looks like to be strong, and struggle, but still look to Him.
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