Going through the motions- this is a hard one to read

I do believe today will just be a going through the motions kind of day. The kids are going back to school and I'm just not feeling it today. I feel kinda crazy. Yesterday afternoon, after picking out the headstone was done and over, I felt strong the rest of the day. Maybe it is good the kids are going back to school because it gave me a reason to get out bed. Right now I kinda feel like the tears are coming and to be honest, I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be this strong woman for my family but today I just feel weak. Today I need to let God carry me. Any of you that truly know me, know that I struggle with not being in control. I gotta let it go today and just be carried, much easier said then done for me because I have always believed it was my job and duty to be the strongest of the strongest and to carry everyone. I believe God just made me to be strong. I kinda feel like I am fighting these demons of just wanting to let go and be carried but also show that I can handle this.

I talk to Beckett each morning and each evening. I hope that is not wierd. I get the little yellow hat that they had on his head when I held him that I cherish more than anything now, and I just hold it and tell him that I love him and I miss him and I hope he has a good day in Heaven. I just long to hold him and have him look up at me.

I know there are no answers but I am still questioning why this happened to us. In my heart I know there is no answer and I know God didn't do this to us but my head is asking me what horrible thing did you do to deserve this. My husband is so wise. He said as parents when we disapline our children, they know what it is for and we are tring to correct their ways. He asked me what is He punishing you for? I listed off a bunch of things and He said, you don't know. And the most profound thing he said to me was "God doesn't abuse us." He doesn't punish you by taking your child. He has reasons that are meant for His glory and for His Kingdom. I think part of the reason is to draw me closer to Him and to touch so many people. I believe in my heart that Beckett's death has touched a ton of people. I have to believe that it is not in vein and senseless.

I am sorry dear friends. I know this is a more serious post and is pretty hard and deep. I will quit babbling, it just helps to write. Thank you for walking through this with me. Love you dearly!