And life goes on. Today as I went back to work I was astounded that life goes on. My life seems to be frozen right now. Even though I am putting up an effort to keep going I feel I am being held back. How stupid is it that I feel life would stop. I am not mad at anyone, I have just been so wrapped up in myself and not moving forward that I forgot everyone else would. I want to move on but I feel there are still many things I have to work through. I'm not even sure moving on is the right term. I want to live. I feel like I haven't been living and the mother inside me thinks I am not supposed to live anymore. I feel very guilty about wanting to move on. Beckett will always be a part of me and our family. He just has to be and he would want me to go and live.
All that being said, I enjoyed teaching today. I only did a little bit but I loved it. I'm meant to be a teacher. I am not always good at it. I have my on and off days, but I enjoy the teaching part of my job. I am exhausted but glad I went back. Tomorrow will be a little easier and the next day will be a little easier. And I'm gonna be alright!
I LOVE THIS POST!!! I love that you are honest and willing to share. I know it is hard, and it will be hard everyday for a while. I know you were meant to be a teacher because even when you write about them, I know you light up when you talk about your class. Only a true teacher can do that after being in the classroom. :O)
ReplyDeleteYou are right, too, that life does go on. Tragedy happens... a child dies, a parent learns their child has cancer, a man and wife learn he has cancer, a grandmother dies, a dog dies; we have to remember God has a purpose for all things under Heaven. I find myself commenting on posts on Facebook that I will pray for such and such. I know that God knows all of these needs, but I hope that my one little thought and prayer really does touch that person and that God hears those prayers. I have been praying for you, too. Earnestly! I hope you are still feeling all the thoughts and prayers that your friends and family are pouring out to you. I hope you will be strong enough to say 'Yes, I need some help sometimes.' I hope you are humble enough to LET others help you. :O) I know you are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I just wanted to encourage you to keep your chin up, and your eyes on the prize.