I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle and I'm tired from fighting it. I feel like it is the battle between giving in to being consumed by darkness or putting one foot in the front of the other and keep going. Right now it is a pretty even battle. I want to believe that keep going is going to win but it just seems so much easier to give in to the darkness. There is a big piece of me that wants to crawl in a hole.
I don't really feel like I have the luxary to do that. I honestly believe I am going through this so I can share with others my feelings and let them know it is okay to feel how you feel. I also believe I am going through this to show that you can give God the glory even in the worst of times. I am nothing if not completely honest when I write so I am going to tell you...this is not easy. It is hard to give God glory in this. If you know me you know I am a country music girl through and through but today I felt led to turn on our local Christian radio station and an older song came on that I know and I know God wanted me to sing to Him but even that was battle. I did it with tears streaming down my face. My heart wants to be honoring to God in this but my head is screaming "no". I have to believe Beckett's death has a purpose. I believe one of the purposes is to bring people to a saving grace in Jesus Christ. I believe it is also to bring me closer to the Living God, actually our famliy closer. It bothers me to think that God had to do something so drastic as to take our son to bring me closer to Him. Now don't take that wrong. I don't mean God did this too me, I just mean He is using the circumstances in this way.
Just pray for me! I decided very quickly after Beckett's death that I would not be bitter and I would give God glory and I would share my deepest feelings and thoughts because I believe they make a difference. But know that it is a battle to do this. When I am writing it takes all the energy out of me but then shortly after I am done I usually have a renewed energy. I choose to believe this comes from my Heavenly Father, who is saying "good job, honey, you did what I wanted you to do." Have a blessed day friends!
Every time I read something that you write I feel the strength rising up in you bit by bit. And I know you will become stronger and stronger. God is using you and Beckett in the most powerful way. You are incredible!! And I love you, Mama.
ReplyDeleteThis is a message from a very dear friend that used to teach for me. I told her I would post it on your blog.
ReplyDeleteStacy,
Words can't express my sympathy for you and your family, so I won't even try, but I will tell you that having known your mom so long I feel like I know you. I can see what you look like when you smile or laugh and I followed your life through her sharing stories. Your wedding, your pregnancy with your first son, and I loved seeing the pictures of him in her office. Then I moved away. You do make beautiful babies. I know because I see them on your mom's FB page! I will be praying for your family . . . all of you because I know there will be ups and downs that I can't understand. However, there are a couple of ladies who have blogs that I have read. I came in contact with them through our homeschool conventions. One is Raising Arrows and her name is Amy. The other lady's name is Lynette Kraft on Dancing Again. Amy lost a daughter and Lynette lost 3 children. The newest post on Lynette's blog is about a weekend she just did in Texas for mothers who had lost babies. It was called Hope Mommies Retreat. I pray that you find comfort in reading their blogs or in reaching out to them to help you heal and find your new normal with your family and your three children, despite God holding one of them for you. Continually praying for you and your family and blowing a kiss to Beckett! God Bless you girl and give your mom a hug for me while she gives you one in return!
Crista Strong
Wow! This post was sooo raw and I hope you are seeing more good days. And, Christa's note to you just made me cry. There are others that can give you a glimpse of how to move forward. I know you can only do it in your own time but they can show you how THEY chose to celebrate their lost chilren. I know God is enjoying Beckett sitting in His lap today and telling him of the love he was given by his earthly family.
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