Today we bury our son

Today we bury our son. He will be buried next to his great grandparents and eventually me. Eventually me. That is an interesting statement. Don't read into this more than I am saying. I am not going to hurt myself or anything.

I am remembering more and more about when Beckett was born. I'm starting to remember screaming over and over as I was giving birth. " I just want to die" and I remember thinking, "Why can't you just take me instead". I think this is normal. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally I honestly believed it was more than I could I bear. I just wanted to give up and I just thought it would be so much easier to just die. I am struggling now with this. I really want to see my baby...alive but I have two babies that need me and I have a husband who loves me and takes such good care of me, I have a lot to live for. One more time I am gonna say, don't read into this more than what I am saying. I am not gonna hurt myself, these are just my feelings and thoughts that I am working through.

Today things just seem so final. I can't really explain what I mean or am thinking, it just seems final. I feel very mixed up inside today. My feelings are just jumbled and I don't know what I am thinking or feeling and I just feel confused and honestly I just want to go back to bed and not go through this day.

Okay, I need to end this on a happy note. I've got to focus on something happy. My first grade class. I miss them. They are such a interesting group of children. Some of them are so smart, I feel they should teach the class. Some of them are so goofy, they make me laugh. Some of them are so sweet, they melt my heart.

My children. Makaley loves to sing at the top of her lungs in the shower. She sounds horrible. If any of you ever tell her this I will deny it because I tell her it is beautiful. Mom compares her singing to Ms. Piggy. Coleman is so wise. He gets this from his father. He thinks deeper than any other child I have ever seen. He thinks about life in such a deep way he makes me feel, well, stupid. Those two kids get along so well. They have their moments but for the most part they love each other and coexist together very nicely. I think Beckett would have fit right in.

My husband. Our first few years were rocky, I mean rocky. Of course I was 18 when we got married. Some how over time and me maturing we made it. I am so thankful. It took me some time but ladies this man is incredible. He amazed me at the father he is. He is a better father than I am mother. He is also a wonderful husband. Does he do stupid man things sometimes...yes, but he loves me more than anything and takes such good care of me. I really don't deserve him. I got lucky!!!

My mom and dad. They love me so much. They would move the earth for me if I asked them to. My mom has stayed with me since Beckett's death and my dad took care of all the funeral arrangements. They will be upset I am telling you this but are paying for part of the head stone as is Justin's parents. They won't let us pay a dime of it. My parents have always been there for me and I know that I can always count on them. The reason I turned out so amazing (haha) is because of them. I hope they know how much I love them and God loves them too!

Too me, this is my strangest post yet! Start out talking about buring my son but ending with, I really have a blessed life. It is not necessarily an easy life right now but it is blessed with great parents, an amazing husband and THREE beautiful children.