Today it dawned on me when something happened at school that I'm broken and I always will be. Any of you that know me know I am a go getter. I get things done and keep them done. I get things fixed. I am on top of things. Today I realized I can't fix me. My heart is broken but I feel it goes deeper to my soul being torn into shreds. I'm never going to be the same person I was before I lost Beckett. I will always have a hole, something missing. Today I started to doubt again, if I would ever be happy. I hate this so much! It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes it just overtakes me and I feel I can't escape from it. Life is going on around me and I just want to scream at it STOP!
This constant battle I'm fighting is wearing me out. I want to be honoring to the Lord. I want to praise Him because that is what He wants from me but I am just so broken hearted. I feel like I am absolutely crazy. I'm trying to be obediant to God but I fight it at the same time. I want Him to carry me because I just have nothing left but sometimes I just want to scream at Him. The hardest part of this is just going through it alone. I have the most amazing people in my life that I do thank God for but they can't understand. It's not their fault. I'm glad they can't understand because if they did that means they would have gone through this and I don't want anyone to go through this!!!!!
Today what sent me into crazyville...I was going through my classroom books to return to the library. I found a note on one of them that I wrote to myself. It was dated February 17, the day Beckett died. I burst into tears because I longed for that moment. When I wrote that note my life was still normal. It was whole. I was happy. At that moment I was still planning on this baby that I was so excited about him coming. I was pregnant with one of my best friends and I loved it because we were in it together. I just balled and cried because I wanted that back so badly. That is when I moved into
"you will never have that again. You will never be whole, you will be living with losing this baby that you loved so much for the rest of your life." I just kept thinking you will never be happy like that or have a normal day like that again. It sent me into a tail spin back into the darkest of valleys! I'm so sick of valleys. I'm so sick of hurting so bad and I'm so sick of not being normal and being crazy. I'm just sick of all of it. I just want to be fixed but even when you fix a broken vase with super glue you can still see the cracks. I'm always gonna have cracks!
I know I ask this a lot but I know I have some really true dear friends that will do it. I still need your prayers.
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