I'm tired. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I have had some good days the last couple, but today I just felt like I got punched back several steps. Sometimes I think I will wake up and I will be pregnant again, planning Beckett's nursery, and worring about getting sleep when he gets here. I just feel like I need him so badly.
Tonight we took back Beckett's stroller to Target. It wasn't pleasant but not as bad as I thought it would be. The hard part was Makaley. She is only 4 and just doesn't understand and that is okay. I am not mad or upset with her but sometimes she makes it hard. She talked about buying Beckett things and talked about how I'm pregnant. I had to explain again I'm not pregnant. Then tonight she went to rub my belly and caught herself and stopped. My heart just breaks for her. She wanted Beckett as badly as any of us and she just doesn't understand that he is not going to ever be with us. Everytime I really start to feel stronger again soon after I crumble. This is just so much harder and takes so much longer than I ever imagined.
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