thoughts and praise

"Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; Heal me, Lord...I am weary with tears from my groaning, with my tears I dampen my pillow" Psalms 6:2 and 6

A month ago today Beckett's little body was still in my tummy but he was already in Jesus' arms. While I thank God he is with Jesus, this eats at me all the time. I still struggle with the fact that I should have known something was wrong with my son. I know it doesn't make sense but I still battle with the thoughts of "what kind of mom doesn't know something is wrong?"  A few days before I delivered him, it dawned on me that I hadn't really felt him move in a while. I drank some kool aid and laid on my left side and I thought I felt him. Justin put his hand on my tummy and he thought he felt him move too. I battle with the thoughts of if I had just gone to the hospital, could he have been saved? These thoughts are all in my mind. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other right now. In my heart, I know without a shadow of doubt, this was supposed to happen. That being said, I still hate it!

God has been teaching me over the last week that when I feel weak, which is still very often, I have to praise His name. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fight it with my entire being. When I praise Him, I don't let the bitterness win. When I praise Him, He makes me stronger. When I Praise Him, the hurt disappears for a moment. I am not good at praising. I have bought a book about praise and am reading it (along with 5 other books) it is helping guide me. It is simple but it gets me in the Word and each day God speaks to me through it.

My praise today, "I will thank the Lord with all my heart, I will declare all Your wonderful works, I will rejoice and boast about you, I will sing your Your name, Most High!" Psalms 9:1-3

My prayer today, "Lord my God, I seek refuge in You; save me from my pursuers and rescue me." Psalms 7:1 right now my "pursuers" are my thoughts.