Permission to move on

Let me start by saying I have had a great week. I have spent a day with each of my favorite people and will spend the whole weekend with my other favorite person, my hubby! I have been happy this week.

But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.

I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.

One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.