God meets you where you are at

God always meets you where you are at. I have to share just a few thoughts that I have come across this afternoon. After washing the car with Makaley (and getting more wet than the car because of my precious daughter) I sat down and the first chapter I read from my Jeremy Camp book is about fear. God always meet you where you are at. I haven't told a lot of people because of fear of being judged because the few I have told have judged and urged me other wise but I have this intense desire to try to have another baby. Beckett was a complete shock!! I mean complete. So much I cried for a few days. Now that doesn't mean I didn't want him, Justin and I had just made the decision to have that taken care of. I made an appointment to have my tubes tied and found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. It was just a shock to the system because I had put us having another child to bed. But now, I have just have the desire to try again. (Now don't start emailing me to wait, Justin and I may not have another baby, we have a lot to work through and talk about first and if God so chooses then we will and if He doesn't we won't) Anyways, while I have this desire, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I could go through this again. When you lose your child it is pain like no other and it is deep. God always meets you where you are at though and I read about Jeremy's fear of losing his children. He quotes this verse in his book and it spoke right to my heart. "There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.

Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!