Beckett's pictures

I was determined when I woke up this morning that I would have a good day. Actually it was a pretty good day, then I decided to go to bed. As I walked into our bedroom I saw something on the dresser. I knew immediately what it was. Pictures of our son, Beckett. When they first told me in the hospital about the program to take pictures, at first I didn't want it, but later I just needed something that would connect me with my son. I have checked the mail religiously for 6 weeks for these pictures. I didn't know how I would react to them. When I decided to open them finally, I cried right before and then I stopped.

God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.

I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.

Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.

I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.