Slowly figuring it out

Two weeks ago today, Justin and I went to church desperate for a word from God. We had just lost our baby one week before and we were at a loss. We went and got nothing. I left feeling very alone and disappointed. I was mad and I felt abandoned.

Today I figured out why. Two weeks ago I wasn't ready to hear from God. My heart wasn't ready. I stood in church with my arms crossed and even though I knew in my heart all God wanted from me that day was to sing to Him...I couldn't. It took so much out of me just to go to church that day and I resented it. I didn't want to give any more energy to being there. I wanted Him to speak to me but I wasn't ready to listen. I wanted Him to fix everything but He can't fix it if I won't let Him.

Fast foward to this weekend. I have been reading a book that a dear friend gave me by Jeremy Camp. Last night I read how he had lost his wife to cancer and at the moment he lost her, he still found the energy to lift his hands and praise the God of the universe. Jeremy and his wife praised God throughout their entire short marriage. The entire time they were married for just a few short months, she had cancer but they still praised. I felt last night God was speaking to me but I just wasn't exactly sure what He wanted from me. The last two days have been very hard for me. I have found myself back on the floor more than once. I thought I was past all of that but this grieving process is more like a spiral. I think I get past something, then it circles around again.

So we go to church today and Justin and I had talked about going and not expecting anything. We were so hurt the last time, so this time I went with low expectations. We starting worshipping and I started singing and I just let go. It was me and God. And even though it took a lot of energy I felt renewed. Then we got to a song and God wanted me to sing with my voice and life my hands to Him. I usually sing but don't lift my hands often. (Comes from a Missionary Baptist background)  I fought it for a while but finally gave in! It was so freeing! I sung, lifted my hands and cried.

Then we get to the sermon. "Living from the inside out leads you through discouragement" Let me just share with you some of the things that got me.

We get discouraged when we live by our feelings. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I have had every feeling you can imagine in the last few weeks. They have dominated my life. I think you have to feel how you feel but you have to look to God to get you through them. You aren't going to be able to block how you feel but you can choose to let them control you or let God be in control. We get discouraged when we are tired. I'm exhausted because I have been trying to deal with this heart ache. I give it to God and then take it back. We get discouraged when we live in fear. I have a fear being overtaken by the death of our son. I fear losing my other children. I fear the future and I worry I won't make the right decisions or let God be my strength.

 The other thing that hit me was "when we focus on our circumstances, it will talk you out of doing what God wants you to do." That kept playing in my mind the whole sermon. I kept thinking "God, what are saying, what do you want me to do" and I kept thinking, "I can't do anything right now" Our pastor asked for anyone who was discouraged to come up front and he would pray for us. I fought that too but finally gave in and Justin and I went up front. Our pastor prayed and then he said let's worship and it hit me. What God wants from me at this moment in my life, all he is requiring of me is just to worship him. Worship Him with my whole heart and my whole being. I need to raise my hands and sing and focus on Him. I need to let Him be number one. When I do, He is going to me through this. He has been carring me. The Holy Spirit has been interceding for me, like I have begged Him to do so many times because I just don't have the words. But once I start worshipping Him and honoring Him, the true healing is going to come. I am still going to have hard times and I am going to cry but God is going to heal my heart and He is drawing me to him. That is what He has been doing is drawing me to Him and I have been resisting. I am not out the valley yet but I can see the mountain top and it doesn't look like an impossible journey anymore.