2013 and random thoughts

So 2013 has been on my mind a lot lately. I really try hard to be positive as much as possible but 2013 scares me to death. 2012 was the worst year of my life. Death of child, a change in my job that was traumatic for me at first, Justin losing his job, Justin falling off the roof and numerous little things. Everyone keeps saying 2013 will be so much better, but I keep thinking..."what if it is worse?" How will I survive another year of extreme heartache and loss?
Today though at church, God kinda gave me a kick a pants. I am not trusting Him enough to take of next year. When I look back at 2012, God really did use horrible things for good. He changed me as person. He took a job situation that I wasn't thrilled about and made it into a great thing!! I am worried right now about Justin's job and finances a lot but I keep thinking, "if God can carry you through losing a child, how much easier is it for Him to take care of this job/finances thing?" From the very beginning when I prayed about Justin getting a job, I would pray that God would a provide a job that would meet our needs and for my heart to be prepared if He didn't do it the way I wanted Him too. That is kinda where I am right now. My faith is being tested with this job thing. I really thought Justin would already have a new job by now. I really thought God would honor my faith about it. I still think God will honor my faith that He is going to take care of us, I just have to except His timing is not my timing. SO HARD!!!! I have these plans and ideas of how things should be. If I could just be patient though, I know God's plan and idea is so much more than I could ever dream. Maybe that's how I need to start looking at 2013...Thinking about the plans and ideas that God has in store for our family instead of what is going to go wrong. I pray my perspective changes.

The world coming to an end???

This past week we went to visit some Mayan ruins in Progresso, Mexico. They were breath taking and such a neat experience for the entire family. We had our own private guide Russel, who was a descendant of the Mayans. Russel was full of information. At one time one of us mentioned something about the world coming to an end in 2012 according to the Mayans. I didn't catch everything Russel said, but I did catch that he said it was more like a cycle was ending and a new one would begin. I have thought a lot about that today. I have really been doing well the last couple of months. I will admit for most of 2012, I just have wished the world would end. Of course, I know the true way everything will go down. My Savior will come and get me but there have been so many times this year that I have begged and prayed for Jesus to come and take me away from this world. But as I thought about it today, I thought you know, my world ended this year with several big horrible, unfair events. Maybe my cycle is just beginning again. This time with more lessons learned and a reliance on the One who controls all my cycles.

Running Laps

Today I have received several texts and sweet messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day and many talking about how I am a Godly woman and mother. This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not a Godly woman. I long to be Godly with all of my heart. I want to be Godly so badly. I do feel however that God is refining me in a mighty way lately and He used this morning for another "ah-ha" moment. Our pastor talked this morning about tests. If you have paid any attention to my year this year you know, it has been a steady year of test, after test, after test. I'm exhausted from "running laps" as my pastor would put it. I am not a preacher but I want to share with you our sermon this morning because for me, it was super encouraging. "Testing reveals your faith and builds your life like nothing else, demonstrating to you that Jesus can do anything." Our pastor talked about how nothing shapes your life more than testing. As I reflected on that statement, I thought our pastor nailed it perfectly. The tests I have been through lately have changed my life drastically. I am not the same person I was a few months ago because Jesus changed me. I don't want to be bitter in my circumstances, I want to be better. I want to learn the lessons that God has in store for me through my tests and not have to keep running laps because I am not learning them. All of this just struck me hard. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house and thinking, I thought to myself, "you know...you are super strong. Most people couldn't have gone through what you have gone through the past few months and still have smile on their face." Today during the sermon, I thought "you idiot...your gonna be running laps forever because you just don't get it!!" I am weak! Let me say it again, I AM WEAK!! I am not the reason that I am okay right now. I am not the reason for the smile I have. I am not the reason, I am not bitter. I am okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to be okay because Jesus is strong. I am going to make it because Jesus will empower me to do the things I could never do on my own. Now, I have not arrived by any means. I still have so much to learn and honestly I am struggling with some things that have happened in the past couple of weeks. I am questioning them but even in my questioning I am determined to learn from Jesus in this test! Our pastor said this morning "You don't have to ask for Jesus' hand when you are sinking, His hand is already outstretched for you!" Well, I am gonna grab it and not let go. I am gonna choose to be weak and let Jesus be strong. I am gonna choose to let Jesus demonstrate that He can do anything!!! Will you continue to pray for me? Specifically pray that I will learn from every test that is coming my way right now the first time so that I won't have to keep running laps and maybe one day be a Godly woman!! :)

taking up my cross

In the Bible, Jesus talks about taking up your cross daily. When you start living for Jesus, pursecution comes in all directions and I believe Satan attacks harder to try to make you useless in your faith by getting you caught up in the middle of your circumstances. You get the point in your circumstances...do I let Satan win and become ineffective for Christ or do I take up my cross and trust that the God of the universe is in control? This is where I am right now, in some circumstances that are not fair and I did not ask for. I have these feelings and thoughts and then I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me in a calm voice "I am in control. Life is not fair, but I am. I am the beginning and end. The judge and jury. I've got this" So I choose to take up my cross. I choose to let Jesus help me bear this burden. I choose to let God handle this circumstance that is not fair. I choose to let the One in control of it all, be in control and take care of it. I choose to pray for a good attitude and pray that with the changes I am going through I can glorfiy God. I also will pray that with all these changes, my friends will stand by me. I will rely on the One who holds my future, rely on the one who loves me and thinks that I am worthy. I choose to take up my cross and follow Jesus.

May 6th 2012...not what I expected

May 6th, 2012, Beckett's due date....I dreaded it like I have never dreaded anything before. Sometimes the anticipation of an event is more difficult than the event itself. The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. I felt myself sinking back down into deep sadness again and I think it was because I was thinking about if I were still pregnant what would be going on and Beckett's due date just loomed in front of me like huge hurdle I needed to jump. Honestly, I had prepared myself to not be at school for the month of May because I was going to have a baby so sometimes it was just hard for me to be there because I had such different plans.  But as always, let me say that again, ALWAYS, my Heavenly Father came through again for me today.

I woke up last night about 4 and started thinking about Beckett. Thinking about his delivery and the first and last time I held him. I just keep seeing in my mind, my dad picking him up from my arms and carrying him away from me and I just felt that helpless, awful emptiness again. I went back to sleep and when I got up I just prayed, "keep my eyes fixed on you Jesus". I started thinking about being baptised and what it meant and what Jesus did for me and I felt good. I checked facebook and as always, my wonderful friends reminded me of how much they love me, and I felt good. We got to church and I got ready to be baptised and I had a few minutes by myself sitting in front of a huge stain glass window with Jesus on it and I just felt peace. God used me getting baptised to help me keep the focus on Him and not on me...exactly what I needed today. My entire family and a few wonderful friends were there to see me get baptised and I just felt so loved. Afterward my entire family went out to eat. It was so nice just sitting there and visiting and talking and being normal. It was a happy time. When we got home, I said let's go on a four wheel ride. So Justin and I and the kids went four wheeling for a couple of hours and I loved just it. We made wonderful memories. It was the first time all four of us had been on a ride together. I loved it when Makaley said, "I don't think we will ever get out of here" but then she added, "it's okay, God is in control". We laughed and raced and then stopped at my MIL's for cake! It was so nice. We ended with a short trip to the cemetery and guess what?!?! Grass is finally growing on Beckett's grave. First time I had seen it, another way God just takes care of it!

God took a day that I honestly wanted to skip and He used it for His glory. He answered the prayers of many friends and family who prayed for me today and He made it a great day. He is so good to me!!! I should have never doubted that He would carry me through this day! He has carried me through the past few months. He wasn't going to drop me on a day that I needed Him most! He took May 6th and instead of remembering it as the day my son was supposed to be born, I will remember it as the day I was baptised and made some wonderful memories with my family!! Thank you Lord for giving me so much more than I ever deserve!!! Thank you Lord for May 6, 2012!

a little more honesty

Since I started my blog, I have prided myself on being honest about my journey through losing Beckett. Some things were tough to write about but I felt my honesty helped me deal with things and had the potential to others in a similar boat.  I feel it is time for some honesty and this time is mostly selfish because I am asking for some prayer.

I am struggling. I have been for the last couple weeks. I'm crying a lot and visiting Beckett's grave a lot. May 6th is getting closer and I just keep thinking about all the things that I would be going through or doing if I was still pregnant. I am having a hard time because I feel some pressure that I should be over this by now. I don't think I am ever going to be over this. I was doing well for a few weeks but the last couple the deep pain has returned.  Sometimes it just hurts so badly, I can't even describe it because I have never felt pain like this before.

Would you just pray that I will feel Jesus' arms around me right now and just feel comforted? The pain is still very real but I am trusting in the One who holds my future. I am trusting He is in control. I am trusting He will carry me through the tough hard times. Thanks dear friends for your prayers!!!

My story!!!! Please read this one!!! It is important!

I am so blessed in many ways!! It is really incredible. But what I want to talk about today is the greatest blessing I have or ever will receive. The last couple of months have been crazy. My world came to stop on February 17. I have been in the darkest places I have ever been over the last few months. BUT I am one of the blessed ones because I have seen exactly how God has handled my tragedy and taken it and made it into something wonderful!!! Here is the story....

When I was 8 years old, I was taken into a bathroom and told that I needed to be saved. I said the words and went on believing that I knew Jesus. Over time, doubts had crept in and I had a couple of experiences where Jesus was drawing me to Him and I was sincere when I asked Him to save me. Fast forward to February 17th. When Beckett died, I had nothing in me. I very quickly realized that I would not make it through this death without God carrying me. Not even walking with me, carrying me! There were very dark, dark moments that if I hadn't felt God and the prayers of my friends and family, things could have ended badly. When Beckett died I immediately felt God drawing me to Him. I knew He was saying "let me be the one in control, let me be the one who you come to in this moment, let me be your rock." I am not saying there was not moments when I was angry with God and questioned Him, but these moments didn't last long because God was speaking to me and telling me He was King in this chaos around me. I got in the Word and read the Bible like I never had before. I couldn't get enough of it. God spoke to me everyday. He was gentle with my heart and He daily reminded me that He used all things for His glory and that He had Beckett in Heaven with Him. Fast forward to April 8th, Easter. I was excited to go to church. I felt God had something in store for me this day and I was just happy about it. What He had in store though, shocked me to my core. The sermon was called....This is your day! Great! What does that mean for me? Pastor started preaching and within minutes I knew exactly what it meant for me.

When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was sincere! I wanted Him to save me. I wanted to go to Heaven. Hell scares me to death! But on this Easter morning I realized that if I truly wanted to be saved by Jesus, I couldn't just be sincere in my asking. I had to give Jesus my all! I couldn't hold anything back! I had to let him have every inch of me. Every gift, every sin, every part of my being had to be His. As our pastor preached, he kept saying that you can know everything about Christ, you can know about the Bible, but you can still miss being with Jesus if you haven't given your all to Him and asked Him to be your Savior! He kept saying you can miss Heaven by this much (He showed about a centimeter with his fingers) I knew very quickly in that sermon what I had to do. I was holding my chair, waiting to run down the isle and ask Jesus to be my Savior, holding nothing back from Him!! Well, I did!! Pastor ended the sermon differently than normal and didn't have people come forward, so I didn't run down the isle but Jesus took care of my business right in my seat! I gave Him every square inch of me in that seat! I am saved by the grace of a Heavenly Father who even before I was saved, was calling me to Him and loving on me, even when I wasn't one of children yet. Some will say that God doesn't do that. He doesn't take care of you before you know Him. They are wrong. God took care of me through the most difficult thing I have ever been through and He used it in my life in mighty ways, even before I asked Him to be my Father and Jesus to be my Savior. I am in such awe of a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, sent His Son to die on a cross for me. I know what it is like to lose a son. I can't compare losing Beckett to what Jesus went through, but this situation has given me a greater and deeper appreciation of God giving up Jesus and He did it all for me. Do you know He did it for you too? Do you know God wants to carry you through your trials? Do you know that He is the Great Physician who can heal your heart? Do you know that He is the one and only Savior who can redeem you and send your sins as far away as the east is from the west? This is a sinful fallen world and God doesn't make bad things happen to people but He wants to use all things for good. He used the death of my precious baby boy to draw me to Him and save my soul!!! Amazing how such a horrible tragedy has been used. I thank God for using it to save me!

But the story doesn't end there! May 6th was Beckett's due date and I feel stronger that the Lord is leading me to be baptised on this day. It would have been a new beginning for my earthly family with a new member, but now it will be a new beginning for me with my Heavenly family!!!!!

I needed to share this today because God wanted me too. I have been waiting for the right time to write and today I felt lead to do it. To me that means someone, somewhere, reading this needs Jesus to save them. Someone, somewhere, needs to give Jesus their all...holding nothing back. If you are that person call me, text me, email me, send me a letter, or come over and I will talk to you about what Jesus did for me and how He can do it for you too!!!

grief on the hunt

Grief is like a lion on the hunt. When you think everything is peaceful and you are doing good or are safe...it attacks. And just like a lion does to its' prey it rips you apart again and you have to almost start the healing process over. I hate it so much!!!!!! It makes you feel so alone and it makes your world stop as you watch everyone else's lives go on around you. As you struggle to get to the mountain top, it slides you back down into the valley.
I know the enemy uses grief against you. He tells you things like you won't make it and your circumstances aren't fair. He tells you, you are alone and God doesn't care. He tells you things like, there is no point in going on.

I know in my process even though sometimes my faith faulters, I just keep having to say it and I have to believe it even when I don't. I have to hold onto the FACT that God is in control. He loves me more than I can even understand. He uses all things for His Glory. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! I will trust Him! I will not let the enemy win! My God will win! My God holds me in his hands and right now I am just gonna let Him carry me. He loves Beckett and He is holding him! He will help me defeat this! If He can send His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him, then He can handle my fears, emotions, and doubts and craziness!

Beckett's pictures

I was determined when I woke up this morning that I would have a good day. Actually it was a pretty good day, then I decided to go to bed. As I walked into our bedroom I saw something on the dresser. I knew immediately what it was. Pictures of our son, Beckett. When they first told me in the hospital about the program to take pictures, at first I didn't want it, but later I just needed something that would connect me with my son. I have checked the mail religiously for 6 weeks for these pictures. I didn't know how I would react to them. When I decided to open them finally, I cried right before and then I stopped.

God has put me into a very different place over the past few weeks. He has worked gently and with care on my heart. I can honestly say that I am fully putting my trust and faith in Him in this tragedy of losing my son. God is using his death for good and I see it and I praise my Lord for it! I would rather have Beckett with me but he is serving a much bigger purpose by not being here. All that being said, let me get back to the story....I stopped crying pretty quickly. I just had a peace about it. A peace that passes all understanding. But now I get to the hard part. Beckett did not look like what I remember him. When I first held him, he was so perfect and beautiful to me but in his pictures he just looked odd. There was one picture of just the top of his head. I liked it. That kid had so much hair, I think if he would have lived, he would have come out with a fro. You know, if he had lived, he would have been perfect.

I knew God wanted me to write about this but I wasn't really sure where it was going until about 2 minutes ago. I hope I can give this justice. When I looked at Beckett for the first time, he was perfect. I loved that child with all of my being (and I still do). His pictures where somewhat disappointing though because he didn't look perfect to me anymore. When God looks at us it is like looking at those pictures. We are sinners who are separated from Him. Oh but what it must be like for God to look at us, the moment after we are saved. Just like I was looking at Beckett the moment after he was born. We are still sinners in an earthly body, but we have been covered by the blood of Jesus and to our Heavenly Father, he must look at us with such longing and love because we have excepted being His offer to be His child. Once we have been covered by the blood, He sees Jesus when He looks at us.

Beckett's death has taught me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel so small in this world sometimes but I am just awestruck at how much I am loved. I feel so unworthy. I feel like when the Lord looks at me He sees pictures that are disappointing but He doesn't because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus. He sees me, like a mother who looks at her baby for the first time and has so much love and longing for them. I hope you know how much God loves you. I am just beginning to understand it and I am so excited to learn more.

I pray this makes sense. In my crazy mind it does but I don't think I did a great job explaining it with words this time.

Permission to move on

Let me start by saying I have had a great week. I have spent a day with each of my favorite people and will spend the whole weekend with my other favorite person, my hubby! I have been happy this week.

But this story actually begins last weekend. I went to Beckett's grave, like I do very often. I sit right beside the grave and talk to God and Beckett. I felt God was leading me to pray to Him about moving on. I needed to pray for help and strength and guidance, So I did and then I talked to Beckett about it. I told him, he will always be a part of me, I will always love him, and long for him, and there will still be times when I am sad and will cry for him, but I am at the point that I really have to start living again. I can't just go through motions anymore. I needed Beckett's permission to move on. After praying and talking I just felt a peace about it.

I took Coleman to the museum on Monday and we had a blast. It was a great day!!! I took my bestie shopping on Tuesday and we looked at baby things and it was a great day. I honestly did good and had a great time with her, just getting ready for her baby's arrival. Today I took Makaley to the zoo and we had a blast. We just had fun and played but today there were a few things that hit me, but this time they hit me differently. I saw someone with Beckett's stroller and infant carrier with a brand new baby boy. I was sad and felt the longing that I usually do but this time it was different. I didn't feel utter despair and hopeless. I felt sad and wished it was me with my baby boy but it passed quicker and we were able to move on with our great day. We went to see the sea lion show and as we were playing on the bleachers a lady sat down in front of us with a baby and she pulled out the exact Razorback sippy cup that Beckett for Christmas from my parents and the exact Razorback binky that a sweet friend had given us for Beckett. The Binky was my first baby present for Beckett. And once again I was sad but it didn't destroy me like it would have a few weeks ago. I'm very grateful for that. That is the work of a gracious God who has given me the assurance that I will see my baby in Heaven and hold him and the assurance that I am going to be okay. I am going to be happy again. I feel asking God to help me "move on" and getting "permission" from Beckett was a big step for me and it has taken me to a new level in my grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and I dread May 6th (Beckett's due date) with a passion. Honestly, I dread Mother's Day too, but each day I get a little better. Each day I get a little more hope back and each day I feel a little more peace. Last weekend and this week have really helped me heal.

One more thought I want to share. I debated whether I should share it or not but I just always have to. Today I heard a song and it was about the glorious day when our Heavenly Father will return. I have changed in this area. If what I am about to say makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I have always wanted Jesus to return but there were sometimes that I would think, "well...I sure would like to get married before Jesus comes back" or "I sure would like to have baby before Jesus comes back" or various other mile stones that happen in life. But I am changed now. I'm ready for Jesus to come and get me. I guess it makes me a horrible person and a sinner but now I have even more in Heaven to look forward too. When I get to Heaven I want to see Jesus and then I want to see Beckett. To be honest, I want to see Jesus holding Beckett when I get there. I long for Heaven like I never have before. I feel guilty about it because I should have just longed for Heaven because Jesus was there and I did look forward to Heaven but now it is even deeper. This whole experience has brought me to a very different place in my spiritual walk. I can't go a day without being in the Word, which I am sad to say was not the case before and it has brought me to different level of faith and trust in Jesus, it has given me a different view of Heaven and a different view of a very loving nurturing God who has mourned right along with me. I could not have said this a few weeks ago and I am not saying I am okay with losing my son, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience because it shook me so hard to the core and it has changed the core of me in a good way.

God meets you where you are at

God always meets you where you are at. I have to share just a few thoughts that I have come across this afternoon. After washing the car with Makaley (and getting more wet than the car because of my precious daughter) I sat down and the first chapter I read from my Jeremy Camp book is about fear. God always meet you where you are at. I haven't told a lot of people because of fear of being judged because the few I have told have judged and urged me other wise but I have this intense desire to try to have another baby. Beckett was a complete shock!! I mean complete. So much I cried for a few days. Now that doesn't mean I didn't want him, Justin and I had just made the decision to have that taken care of. I made an appointment to have my tubes tied and found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. It was just a shock to the system because I had put us having another child to bed. But now, I have just have the desire to try again. (Now don't start emailing me to wait, Justin and I may not have another baby, we have a lot to work through and talk about first and if God so chooses then we will and if He doesn't we won't) Anyways, while I have this desire, I am scared out of my mind. I don't know if I could go through this again. When you lose your child it is pain like no other and it is deep. God always meets you where you are at though and I read about Jeremy's fear of losing his children. He quotes this verse in his book and it spoke right to my heart. "There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

God loves me perfectly and while he doesn't guartnee this will not happen to me again, I will proclaim this verse and let His perfect love drive out my fear.

Also, Jeremy writes, "What I have walked through has refined me. It hasn't defined me, this is not who I am..." Beckett's death will not define me but I am letting it refine me. While at Beckett's grave today, for the first time, I took a big step. I told God, while I don't like that Beckett is not with me and I wouldn't have choose it this way and it is still hard on me, I am thankful that this experienced has changed me. It has. At first I was scared of how I would be changed but God is working in my heart like never before. He is calling me to greater things with Him. He is changing my view of everything. I have not made peace with Beckett's death but God has used it in a mighty way. When my baby first died I remembered thinking, "Lord, please don't let this be in vein! Please use it to help others some way, some how." I didn't realize at the time, how much it would be used in my life. How much it has been used to change me. I am grateful to God for using all things for His glory and His honor. What an amazing God I serve!

Blue skies

I am in the middle of the darkest storm. I hope it is the darkest storm I ever face, but it may not be. But throughout the last couple of weeks, everytime the darkness begins to overtake me, this line comes to mind and I sing it over and over, "I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands". Sometimes I have to say it over and over and over and sometimes I don't believe it but I just keep singing it over and over and over because I just have to. I can't even put into words why. Maybe the times I don't believe it, I think that if I say it over and over then I will start to believe it. I don't know. Anyways, I keep waiting for the storm to pass but I am realizing, this storm is going to rage for a while. Sometimes it slacks up a little, while other times I think it is going to swallow me up. BUT......

Today on the way home from church, another song came on about God being Holy. For the first time in the in the car that entire morning Makaley was quiet. (that is a miracle in itself) I felt God telling me to sing to Him. This song says over and over how holy God is. During the entire ride back from Springdale, the gray clouds covered the sky. There was not any blue but when I started to sing to God and tell Him, He is holy and worthy to be praise, I looked up and there was a small patch of blue sky. I felt God was telling me at that moment, "you are in the middle of this storm. It is raging all around you, but if you will let me, I will be your blue sky. I will carry you to more blue sky. I will love you through this storm and the blue sky after this storm is going to be the prettiest thing you have seen. Just trust me" I know it is odd to feel this, just from seeing a little patch of blue sky, but my perspective on life is changing. Everything about me is changing. I've always had pride in how strong I am but God is teaching me, it is not my strength, it is His. He is teaching me to let go of being in control and being strong and just let Him handle it. He is teaching me to look at a little piece of blue sky and praise Him for it, even as the storm rages around me.

Disabilities

Right after Beckett died one person told me that it was probably for the best because I wouldn't want Beckett if anything were wrong with him. I was so upset and appalled by this statement. I was angry at this person too. I think about this statement all the time. Usually at least once a day. I work with children everyday that have disabilities and they are a blessing. I can tell you with 100% of my being, I don't care if there would have been anything wrong with Beckett, from the minor to the severe, I wanted him and still want him so badly. No matter what, to me, he would have been perfect. I would have changed his diapers when I was 90 if I had to.

I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. And it dawned on me. I have "disabilities" but my God still wants me! I let my mouth run away with me and you always know my emotions and I will tell you exactly what I think and give you my opinion. I am not the best wife or mother. I can be super lazy. I am still questioning God about Beckett's death and am sometimes angry with Him. I am a sinner. I have something wrong with me! BUT my God meets me where I am and He wants me. "Disabilities" and all! He loves me and He sent His son to burden my "disabilities". God wants all of me and even in my shortcomings, I am going to do my best to give him all of me, "disabilities" and all! And one day in Heaven, I will meet my perfect son.

Broken Vases

Today it dawned on me when something happened at school that I'm broken and I always will be. Any of you that know me know I am a go getter. I get things done and keep them done. I get things fixed. I am on top of things. Today I realized I can't fix me. My heart is broken but I feel it goes deeper to my soul being torn into shreds. I'm never going to be the same person I was before I lost Beckett. I will always have a hole, something missing. Today I started to doubt again, if I would ever be happy. I hate this so much! It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes it just overtakes me and I feel I can't escape from it. Life is going on around me and I just want to scream at it STOP!

This constant battle I'm fighting is wearing me out. I want to be honoring to the Lord. I want to praise Him because that is what He wants from me but I am just so broken hearted. I feel like I am absolutely crazy. I'm trying to be obediant to God but I fight it at the same time. I want Him to carry me because I just have nothing left but sometimes I just want to scream at Him. The hardest part of this is just going through it alone. I have the most amazing people in my life that I do thank God for but they can't understand. It's not their fault. I'm glad they can't understand because if they did that means they would have gone through this and I don't want anyone to go through this!!!!!

Today what sent me into crazyville...I was going through my classroom books to return to the library. I found a note on one of them that I wrote to myself. It was dated February 17, the day Beckett died. I burst into tears because I longed for that moment. When I wrote that note my life was still normal. It was whole. I was happy. At that moment I was still planning on this baby that I was so excited about him coming. I was pregnant with one of my best friends and I loved it because we were in it together. I just balled and cried because I wanted that back so badly. That is when I moved into
"you will never have that again. You will never be whole, you will be living with losing this baby that you loved so much for the rest of your life." I just kept thinking you will never be happy like that or have a normal day like that again. It sent me into a tail spin back into the darkest of valleys! I'm so sick of valleys. I'm so sick of hurting so bad and I'm so sick of not being normal and being crazy. I'm just sick of all of it. I just want to be fixed but even when you fix a broken vase with super glue you can still see the cracks. I'm always gonna have cracks!

I know I ask this a lot but I know I have some really true dear friends that will do it. I still need your prayers.

thoughts and praise

"Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; Heal me, Lord...I am weary with tears from my groaning, with my tears I dampen my pillow" Psalms 6:2 and 6

A month ago today Beckett's little body was still in my tummy but he was already in Jesus' arms. While I thank God he is with Jesus, this eats at me all the time. I still struggle with the fact that I should have known something was wrong with my son. I know it doesn't make sense but I still battle with the thoughts of "what kind of mom doesn't know something is wrong?"  A few days before I delivered him, it dawned on me that I hadn't really felt him move in a while. I drank some kool aid and laid on my left side and I thought I felt him. Justin put his hand on my tummy and he thought he felt him move too. I battle with the thoughts of if I had just gone to the hospital, could he have been saved? These thoughts are all in my mind. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other right now. In my heart, I know without a shadow of doubt, this was supposed to happen. That being said, I still hate it!

God has been teaching me over the last week that when I feel weak, which is still very often, I have to praise His name. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fight it with my entire being. When I praise Him, I don't let the bitterness win. When I praise Him, He makes me stronger. When I Praise Him, the hurt disappears for a moment. I am not good at praising. I have bought a book about praise and am reading it (along with 5 other books) it is helping guide me. It is simple but it gets me in the Word and each day God speaks to me through it.

My praise today, "I will thank the Lord with all my heart, I will declare all Your wonderful works, I will rejoice and boast about you, I will sing your Your name, Most High!" Psalms 9:1-3

My prayer today, "Lord my God, I seek refuge in You; save me from my pursuers and rescue me." Psalms 7:1 right now my "pursuers" are my thoughts.

Slowly figuring it out

Two weeks ago today, Justin and I went to church desperate for a word from God. We had just lost our baby one week before and we were at a loss. We went and got nothing. I left feeling very alone and disappointed. I was mad and I felt abandoned.

Today I figured out why. Two weeks ago I wasn't ready to hear from God. My heart wasn't ready. I stood in church with my arms crossed and even though I knew in my heart all God wanted from me that day was to sing to Him...I couldn't. It took so much out of me just to go to church that day and I resented it. I didn't want to give any more energy to being there. I wanted Him to speak to me but I wasn't ready to listen. I wanted Him to fix everything but He can't fix it if I won't let Him.

Fast foward to this weekend. I have been reading a book that a dear friend gave me by Jeremy Camp. Last night I read how he had lost his wife to cancer and at the moment he lost her, he still found the energy to lift his hands and praise the God of the universe. Jeremy and his wife praised God throughout their entire short marriage. The entire time they were married for just a few short months, she had cancer but they still praised. I felt last night God was speaking to me but I just wasn't exactly sure what He wanted from me. The last two days have been very hard for me. I have found myself back on the floor more than once. I thought I was past all of that but this grieving process is more like a spiral. I think I get past something, then it circles around again.

So we go to church today and Justin and I had talked about going and not expecting anything. We were so hurt the last time, so this time I went with low expectations. We starting worshipping and I started singing and I just let go. It was me and God. And even though it took a lot of energy I felt renewed. Then we got to a song and God wanted me to sing with my voice and life my hands to Him. I usually sing but don't lift my hands often. (Comes from a Missionary Baptist background)  I fought it for a while but finally gave in! It was so freeing! I sung, lifted my hands and cried.

Then we get to the sermon. "Living from the inside out leads you through discouragement" Let me just share with you some of the things that got me.

We get discouraged when we live by our feelings. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I have had every feeling you can imagine in the last few weeks. They have dominated my life. I think you have to feel how you feel but you have to look to God to get you through them. You aren't going to be able to block how you feel but you can choose to let them control you or let God be in control. We get discouraged when we are tired. I'm exhausted because I have been trying to deal with this heart ache. I give it to God and then take it back. We get discouraged when we live in fear. I have a fear being overtaken by the death of our son. I fear losing my other children. I fear the future and I worry I won't make the right decisions or let God be my strength.

 The other thing that hit me was "when we focus on our circumstances, it will talk you out of doing what God wants you to do." That kept playing in my mind the whole sermon. I kept thinking "God, what are saying, what do you want me to do" and I kept thinking, "I can't do anything right now" Our pastor asked for anyone who was discouraged to come up front and he would pray for us. I fought that too but finally gave in and Justin and I went up front. Our pastor prayed and then he said let's worship and it hit me. What God wants from me at this moment in my life, all he is requiring of me is just to worship him. Worship Him with my whole heart and my whole being. I need to raise my hands and sing and focus on Him. I need to let Him be number one. When I do, He is going to me through this. He has been carring me. The Holy Spirit has been interceding for me, like I have begged Him to do so many times because I just don't have the words. But once I start worshipping Him and honoring Him, the true healing is going to come. I am still going to have hard times and I am going to cry but God is going to heal my heart and He is drawing me to him. That is what He has been doing is drawing me to Him and I have been resisting. I am not out the valley yet but I can see the mountain top and it doesn't look like an impossible journey anymore.

I'm tired

I'm tired. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I have had some good days the last couple, but today I just felt like I got punched back several steps. Sometimes I think I will wake up and I will be pregnant again, planning Beckett's nursery, and worring about getting sleep when he gets here. I just feel like I need him so badly.

Tonight we took back Beckett's stroller to Target. It wasn't pleasant but not as bad as I thought it would be. The hard part was Makaley. She is only 4 and just doesn't understand and that is okay. I am not mad or upset with her but sometimes she makes it hard. She talked about buying Beckett things and talked about how I'm pregnant. I had to explain again I'm not pregnant. Then tonight she went to rub my belly and caught herself and stopped. My heart just  breaks for her. She wanted Beckett as badly as any of us and she just doesn't understand that he is not going to ever be with us. Everytime I really start to feel stronger again soon after I crumble. This is just so much harder and takes so much longer than I ever imagined.

A final chapter- I'm not quitting writing :)

When you go through something like losing a baby, there are a lot of "final chapters" in the story. Today was my last offical "baby visit". Had to go check and see if everything was okay after giving birth. I asked my dr again if losing a baby the way I did was common and he just said it was very rare to lose a baby at 27 weeks due the cord being wrapped around him. That statement all at once gave me comfort and yet ripped my heart out. Comfort in the fact that if we have another baby, it is not likely to happen again, but also so painful because if it happens so rare, why were the ones that is happened too? My dr. is so amazing...he sat in the room and just  cried with me. He shared with me stories about tragedy in his life and he even called the person who is in charge of a support group for people who have lost children while I was there and got me information. I shared with him that I am still struggling but that I feel peace with how I am handling everything. I feel I am handling this situation the way God wants me too. I feel I am being honoring to Him by sharing my story and in my honesty. If nothing else comes out of this tragedy, it has brought me closer and made me more dependent on my Heavenly Father. It has made me realize I am not as strong on my own and things are handled much better when I just let him deal with it. When I give up control, things run much smoother. I hate that I can't be control and I can't handle things but I also want things done right and even if I don't think God is handling things right, He is and I usually see that later on down the road. I don't think I will see how me losing Beckett "is right" until I get to Heaven.

On top of everything else, one of my dearest friends lost her mother this morning. Please lift her and her family up in prayer. This friend has supported me in so many ways over the past few years. She had picked up the pieces many times and her wisdom has guided me. I only hope one day to be as wise and wonderful as she is. She is a mighty woman of God. I am so blessed to have her in my life!! Please pray for rest for her and comfort during this time. Thank you dear friends! I love you!

Join me in praying AND I have a great son!

My heart is hurting for a friend who will bury her grandson tomorrow. It is so painful to have to bury a baby. Knowing that you will never see their face again is just so hard. Join me in praying for her and her family tomorrow at 10 o'clock. I feel guilty because I really want to go to the funeral but it is just too close to losing Beckett for me to handle. So I have decided that tomorrow at 10 I will stop teaching go to my desk and just pray for them. It is the only thing I can do for her. Losing a child or grandchild is the worst thing in the world.

Today I got to go on a date with my son. This boy is so incredible. He is so smart. We went to the Bible book store and he wanted a new Bible. Then he wanted to read from Revelations to me on the way home. For the first time we really got to talk about Beckett. It was a good conversation. Coleman told me he hopes that we have another baby because he wants a chance to be a big brother again. He understands that Beckett can't be replaced but he wants a baby brother. I didn't have the heart to tell him it could be a girl. He amazes me. He really is a great brother. He plays with Makaley, helps her clean her room, and lets her terrorize him and he rarely complains. Beckett would have been so blessed to have Coleman. Coleman had already said he wanted to coach all of his teams and teach him play sports and fish. Coleman is just an amazing kid! I think Coleman is so great because of the example of his dad. Justin is an amazing father and husband and has taught Coleman how he should treat others. Once again I just want to say....I am blessed!

mixed emotions

In a few minutes it will be exactly 2 weeks since my son was born. What kind of crazy person watches the clock and thinks about that. He was already gone when he was born but I just keep reliving that day 2 weeks ago that changed our lives. I don't know what is wrong with me. It feels like it was just yesterday and the at the same time an eternity ago. What a process you go through when you lose someone. I remember losing my grandparents and it hurt and I grieved but this is just different. The process is a lot deeper and harder.

On to happy things. I was truly blessed today with such amazing gifts from some of the people I work with. I have been blessed with so many things from the people I work with over the past couple weeks. Today it just caught me off guard and I felt so loved today. I truly did not realize how many people cared about me but one of the things I have learned over the past couple of weeks is I have super friends. They are amazing. They have carried me in prayer and took such good care of me. It has made me want to be a better friend. I am so grateful for the place and people I work with. They are amazing. They have done so many small things that have made a big difference in my life.

Grief

"God is aware of your circumstances and moves among them. God is aware of your pain and monitors every second of it. God is aware of your emptiness and seeks to fill it in a manner beyond your dreams. God is aware of your wounds and scars and knows how to draw forth a healing deeper than you can imagine. Even when your situation seems out of control. Even when you feel alone or afraid. God works the night shift." - Ron Mehl

A sweet sweet friend gave me a book this week that I decided today to read through. I am half way through it and am encouraged because it tells me I am not crazy. I feel crazy. One minute I'm fine the next  I' m just lost. I am always with it and I'm always strong. You can depend on me. This is who I am but this book is teaching me that I'm not who I am right now and who I am will change some. I am outgoing and vocal (well that hasn't changed and won't) but being outgoing right now is hard on me. I want people to think I am strong and this book is showing me, I am only hurting myself when I am not honest. It took a lot for me to write the last post. I don't want people to judge me because my faith is unsteady right now. But this is the way it is and it is okay. This book is showing me that it is okay to focus on me for now. I have to work though this grief and that will require a focus on me.

One of the lines in this book says, "Once you hae experienced the seriousness of your loss, you will be able to experience the wonder of being alive" (Experiencing Grief by Wright) I have brief moments when I feel that I am alive again. I like them. I long for them.

Two more things I want to share from this book. "Grief is a journey that moves across unknown terrain that includes valleys and mountains, the arid desert with an occsional oasis." (Wright) This is how I feel. Up and down, in the heat of the desert and every once in a while a brief moment of joy that almost seems like an illusion. This book just makes me feel normal.

Last thing, this is why I write. "Silence covers wounds before the cleansing has occured. The result will be an emotional infection" (Wright) I don't want to silent about my experience. It heals me everytime I write. Some of the things are unpleasant and horrible, but when I put my feelings, longing, and thoughts into words, it helps me to feel whole again. I just want to feel whole again. I think the "whole" will not be what it was before. This experience has and will continue to change me. But what I am finding is I have a chose on how it changes me. Each day I make a chose, some days I choose wisely other days I don't. But what I have learned by starting to read this book is that is okay. I don't always have to make good chooses. I don't always have to be wise, I have to feel how I feel, work through it, and decide what to do. In the end, I have no doubt, I won't be left bitter or angry even if I feel this way right now. All I know is I will different.

Brutal Honesty

Tragedy is all around me and I am not sure how much more I can take. Along with losing my baby, other horrible things are happening to people I love. I am beginning to lose faith. The Bible talks about not getting more than you can handle but last night I got some news and called a friend and said, "I can't handle anything else" Several minutes later I got another call and it was horrible news. I've tried really hard to keep my focus on God the last few weeks but that focus is wavering. I'm starting to question everything. I am beginning to get resentful. I told you last week we went to church even though we did not want to. I so desperately needed a word from God that day. What I didn't tell you was I got nothing. I felt abandoned and let down. I was supposed to work a full day today but I couldn't even bring myself to stay at school. Along with grieving for my baby, I am in the battle of my life. I feel like I have been kicked and punched and the second I start to pick it up, here comes another blow. My heart wants to believe that God is in control of this chaos and I have held tight to that the last couple of weeks but my goodness, we need a break from all this tragedy.

My friends, please pray for my friends that are going through some awful things right now. They need strength and peace, just like I did 12 days ago. Also pray for me. My heart wants to be honoring to God but my faith is starting to fail. I desperately need a word from God soon. I need to believe that I haven't been abandoned.

Heaven

Today I felt such a strong need to go and visit Beckett. I know Beckett is not in his grave, he is with Jesus but I needed to go and visit him. This bothers my husband because he is not there but Beckett's grave is all I have. I felt an incredibly strong urge to just be near him and just cry.

 Everytime I turn on the tv someone is pregnant or having a baby. I don't get upset or angry. I just have a longing for my baby. I keep thinking about the moment I will meet him in Heaven. Will he be an adult or will he be a baby? We will all have our heavenly bodies and I don't necessarily know what that means. Will I instantly know about the time he was in Heaven without me? I sure hope so. Will Beckett be one of the first ones I meet? Will he finally get to call me mom or will any of that matter because we are in Heaven. For now, I need to believe, it does matter and Beckett will be there and be one of the first people I see. I can't wait!

Life goes on

And life goes on. Today as I went back to work I was astounded that life goes on. My life seems to be frozen right now. Even though I am putting up an effort to keep going I feel I am being held back. How stupid is it that I feel life would stop. I am not mad at anyone, I  have just been so wrapped up in myself and not moving forward that I forgot everyone else would. I want to move on but I feel there are still many things I have to work through. I'm not even sure moving on is the right term. I want to live. I feel like I haven't been living and the mother inside me thinks I am not supposed to live anymore. I feel very guilty about wanting to move on. Beckett will always be a part of me and our family. He just has to be and he would want me to go and live.

All that being said, I enjoyed teaching today. I only did a little bit but I loved it. I'm meant to be a teacher. I am not always good at it. I have my on and off days, but I enjoy the teaching part of my job. I am exhausted but glad I went back. Tomorrow will be a little easier and the next day will be a little easier. And I'm gonna be alright!

I feel like Debbie Downer

I go back to work tomorrow for half days. I am anxious about it! My body physically is fine, but emotionally is tired. I feel I have to move on. I think this is best for my family, my students, and me but I am nervous.

Today we went back to church and let me tell you there was some spiritual warfare going on today. I did not want to go to church today. Justin didn't want to go to church today. I did not want to worship and I did not want to listen to the pastor. Honestly, I lost part of the battle today. We went to church but it took a lot out of me. I am not proud of this but I felt the need to share.

Today we had the kids pictures made again. This time it was outside shots. One of my children did not cooperate. Kari did her best and she is extremely talented. The pictures will be great except for my son. I am just not very happy with him. He wouldn't even try. He just hurt me.

Need lots of prayer as I head to work tomorrow and get back to life. I think it will be harder than I thought it was going to be.

Triggers

Today was a simple day. Coleman had a basketball game and they won and he scored 5 points and had several rebounds. Then we went to Fayetteville. Justin and Coleman needed some clothes and we had to get a water filter. As I walked past the baby section in Target I held Justin's arm. It was hard. I have bought most all of our baby stuff at Target. I need to take it back but I just can't bring myself to let Justin do it. Is that wierd?

The hardest part of the day was at Old Navy. As I walked around I saw a woman with a brand new baby and she had my infant carrier and stroller. That was difficult. Boy, how I stressed about that infant carrier. I wanted it to be perfect. I picked a green one with brown. It would have matched the nursery perfectly. It is amazing to me how the craziest things hit me and effect me. I know I need to get used to this. It is going to my life from now on. There will be triggers all around me for the rest of my life and they will set me off.

Even with triggers and sad moments, It was a good day. I appreciate my time with my family more. I take the time to stop and just enjoy my children more than I used to. I'm learning what is most important. I am growing and I am becoming a better mom and wife. I am very thankful to God for this.

glory

I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle and I'm tired from fighting it. I feel like it is the battle between giving in to being consumed by darkness or putting one foot in the front of the other and keep going. Right now it is a pretty even battle. I want to believe that keep going is going to win but it just seems so much easier to give in to the darkness. There is a big piece of me that wants to crawl in a hole.

I don't really feel like I have the luxary to do that. I honestly believe I am going through this so I can share with others my feelings and let them know it is okay to feel how you feel. I also believe I am going through this to show that you can give God the glory even in the worst of times.  I am nothing if not completely honest when I write so I am going to tell you...this is not easy. It is hard to give God glory in this. If you know me you know I am a country music girl through and through but today I felt led to turn on our local Christian radio station and an older song came on that I know and I know God wanted me to sing to Him but even that was battle. I did it with tears streaming down my face. My heart wants to be honoring to God in this but my head is screaming "no". I have to believe Beckett's death has a purpose. I believe one of the purposes is to bring people to a saving grace in Jesus Christ. I believe it is also to bring me closer to the Living God, actually our famliy closer. It bothers me to think that God had to do something so drastic as to take our son to bring me closer to Him. Now don't take that wrong. I don't mean God did this too me, I just mean He is using the circumstances in this way.

Just pray for me! I decided very quickly after Beckett's death that I would not be bitter and I would give God glory and I would share my deepest feelings and thoughts because I believe they make a difference. But know that it is a battle to do this. When I am writing it takes all the energy out of me but then shortly after I am done I usually have a renewed energy. I choose to believe this comes from my Heavenly Father, who is saying "good job, honey, you did what I wanted you to do." Have a blessed day friends!

Normal

Today I spent the day with one of my best friends. This friend has been my best friend for many years. She was there for the birth of all three of children. She rejoiced with me over Coleman and Makaley and cried with me over Beckett. She took me to lunch with one of our other best friends and we got our nails done and went got me some new clothes. It was so nice to feel normal for just a few hours. I so needed to do this today and I appreicate it so much but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I am never supposed to be happy again. I feel like I should never have a good day again. I know this is silly but I feel like happiness is not supposed to be in the cards for me even though I am surrounded by happy things. My children bring me so much happiness. My husband is the light of my life. And I have the most amazing friends who have stepped up to take care of me over the past week and have shown me so much love.

You know tomorrow will be one week since Beckett's death. It feels just like it was yesterday. And that brings me to the word normal. Normal for me is changing. When I was pregnant I often thought about how when Beckett got here how our "normal" was going to change. Our family dynamics would be forever different. Now that Beckett is gone I worry about my  new normal. I worry that I will never be happy again. I worry that I will always be on the verge of tears. I am fighting this worry with all my being. I know I can be happy and I know that I will go a day without tears eventually. I have to beat the guilt that I am feeling about having a good day.

I have to end positive. I can't stand it when I don't. Today I got serveral cards in the mail and I got to read all the cards my sweet class wrote me. It was nice. One of my sweet babies put in my card that he wants to protect me. How precious is that? I was also told that I was beautiful, the best teacher in the world, and magicial. Now if that can't make a person happy...then nothing can.

The most important post - if you only read one please read this one

It's done. Just our closest family and a few friends went to the cemetary this afternoon. It was sunshiny and beautiful. You could hear the birds singing. As I looked around you could see the hills surrounding the spot where we buried our son. It is a nice spot.

The casket was baby blue and not much bigger than a shoebox. The hole for the casket was only a couple of feet wide. It just didn't seem right. It didn't seem right to be buring this tiny child with all of these people who got to live till they were older and enjoy life.

I wanted to see the casket so we had Wasson's not put it in the box until we got out to the cemetary. It was so small it fit in the front seat. The front seat! Of course when I saw it I lost it but pulled it together fairly quickly. Then they had to put the casket in a wooden box. I hope these next few lines don't affend anyone. I walked away and turned around so I couldn't see them putting my son in a wooden box. And then I heard it. Hammer to nails going into wood. My mind immediately went to....this must have been how it felt when God gave up Jesus. Excrutiating pain to let go of your child. I have imagined how this must have felt before but I don't really truly think I understood it until that moment. I have a deeper understanding and a deeper amazement that God would give up His Son for me. I am going to be honest,  I wouldn't do that for you. I would lay down my life for many of you but I wouldn't sacrifice any of my children for you. I don't mean that to hateful, I just mean, you need to wrap your mind around what God did for you. He did something for you that I don't think you could do for others.

Jesus died for you. God gave His son to die on a cross so that you could go to Heaven. You are a sinner. I am too. (sometimes I think I am the worst of the worst)  Unless you ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and accept that he died for us and to come and live in your heart, you will spend eternity without Him. I am not a Bible scholar but if you want to talk about this with me send me your number and I will call. I don't have all the answers but I know God loves you and wants you to be in Heaven with him someday. I want you to be Heaven too. I want you to meet my Beckett. I know you will love him.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that who so ever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

weak

I just feel so weak today. It took me so long to even get the energy to crawl out of the shower. I just don't feel I have anything today. I feel I am sinking.

I don't understand why sometimes I feel okay and others I just feel defeated. I need some prayers.

Today we bury our son

Today we bury our son. He will be buried next to his great grandparents and eventually me. Eventually me. That is an interesting statement. Don't read into this more than I am saying. I am not going to hurt myself or anything.

I am remembering more and more about when Beckett was born. I'm starting to remember screaming over and over as I was giving birth. " I just want to die" and I remember thinking, "Why can't you just take me instead". I think this is normal. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally I honestly believed it was more than I could I bear. I just wanted to give up and I just thought it would be so much easier to just die. I am struggling now with this. I really want to see my baby...alive but I have two babies that need me and I have a husband who loves me and takes such good care of me, I have a lot to live for. One more time I am gonna say, don't read into this more than what I am saying. I am not gonna hurt myself, these are just my feelings and thoughts that I am working through.

Today things just seem so final. I can't really explain what I mean or am thinking, it just seems final. I feel very mixed up inside today. My feelings are just jumbled and I don't know what I am thinking or feeling and I just feel confused and honestly I just want to go back to bed and not go through this day.

Okay, I need to end this on a happy note. I've got to focus on something happy. My first grade class. I miss them. They are such a interesting group of children. Some of them are so smart, I feel they should teach the class. Some of them are so goofy, they make me laugh. Some of them are so sweet, they melt my heart.

My children. Makaley loves to sing at the top of her lungs in the shower. She sounds horrible. If any of you ever tell her this I will deny it because I tell her it is beautiful. Mom compares her singing to Ms. Piggy. Coleman is so wise. He gets this from his father. He thinks deeper than any other child I have ever seen. He thinks about life in such a deep way he makes me feel, well, stupid. Those two kids get along so well. They have their moments but for the most part they love each other and coexist together very nicely. I think Beckett would have fit right in.

My husband. Our first few years were rocky, I mean rocky. Of course I was 18 when we got married. Some how over time and me maturing we made it. I am so thankful. It took me some time but ladies this man is incredible. He amazed me at the father he is. He is a better father than I am mother. He is also a wonderful husband. Does he do stupid man things sometimes...yes, but he loves me more than anything and takes such good care of me. I really don't deserve him. I got lucky!!!

My mom and dad. They love me so much. They would move the earth for me if I asked them to. My mom has stayed with me since Beckett's death and my dad took care of all the funeral arrangements. They will be upset I am telling you this but are paying for part of the head stone as is Justin's parents. They won't let us pay a dime of it. My parents have always been there for me and I know that I can always count on them. The reason I turned out so amazing (haha) is because of them. I hope they know how much I love them and God loves them too!

Too me, this is my strangest post yet! Start out talking about buring my son but ending with, I really have a blessed life. It is not necessarily an easy life right now but it is blessed with great parents, an amazing husband and THREE beautiful children.

Going through the motions- this is a hard one to read

I do believe today will just be a going through the motions kind of day. The kids are going back to school and I'm just not feeling it today. I feel kinda crazy. Yesterday afternoon, after picking out the headstone was done and over, I felt strong the rest of the day. Maybe it is good the kids are going back to school because it gave me a reason to get out bed. Right now I kinda feel like the tears are coming and to be honest, I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be this strong woman for my family but today I just feel weak. Today I need to let God carry me. Any of you that truly know me, know that I struggle with not being in control. I gotta let it go today and just be carried, much easier said then done for me because I have always believed it was my job and duty to be the strongest of the strongest and to carry everyone. I believe God just made me to be strong. I kinda feel like I am fighting these demons of just wanting to let go and be carried but also show that I can handle this.

I talk to Beckett each morning and each evening. I hope that is not wierd. I get the little yellow hat that they had on his head when I held him that I cherish more than anything now, and I just hold it and tell him that I love him and I miss him and I hope he has a good day in Heaven. I just long to hold him and have him look up at me.

I know there are no answers but I am still questioning why this happened to us. In my heart I know there is no answer and I know God didn't do this to us but my head is asking me what horrible thing did you do to deserve this. My husband is so wise. He said as parents when we disapline our children, they know what it is for and we are tring to correct their ways. He asked me what is He punishing you for? I listed off a bunch of things and He said, you don't know. And the most profound thing he said to me was "God doesn't abuse us." He doesn't punish you by taking your child. He has reasons that are meant for His glory and for His Kingdom. I think part of the reason is to draw me closer to Him and to touch so many people. I believe in my heart that Beckett's death has touched a ton of people. I have to believe that it is not in vein and senseless.

I am sorry dear friends. I know this is a more serious post and is pretty hard and deep. I will quit babbling, it just helps to write. Thank you for walking through this with me. Love you dearly!

What you need to know

I feel the need to share something. I have had so much love come my way today, it has been amazing. To be honest, I didn't know I was loved this much. I am just amazed. I want you to know that your prayers are being felt. I have never felt God's presence like I have the last 2 days. I feel Him with me at every moment. I feel He is carring me and I know He is carring my precious Beckett. I know this is the reason that I am doing okay. I am not great but I am okay. I have moments and I will for the rest of my life. I think the thing I need to ask is keep up the prayers. They ARE making the difference. They are what is pulling me through. They are the thing that will keep me going.

Trees

A tree. Don't know how it happened but today this has become Beckett's symbol. Let me explain. As I was thinking about decorating the nursery, I did a lot of research. I fell in love with a green nursery with a huge tree on the wall that would hold up letters spelling Beckett's name.

Fast forward to today. A sweet, sweet friend texted me while I was on the way to pick out my son's head stone. (It still seems very unreal to say that) Anyways, her husband and her decided they would like to buy a tree for us to plant at our house in honor of Beckett. I LOVE THIS IDEA! Well we get to the place to pick out the headstone and Justin sees one with a tree...it seemed perfect! So this is what we got.  Some time we might have a party at my house where we have food and fellowship and fun and then go see his head stone. I guess that probably doesn't sound like a great time to most of you but to me, it sounds perfect.

 I love the fact that I will have a tree that will grow and remind me of my son. It just seems right!

2:30 in the morning

The first thing I want to say as I begin my journey blogging is I am the worst speller in the world. Always have been always will be.

Some of this will be hard for you to read, but I ask as your friend to just go on this journey with me. I need it from you.

It is 2:30 in the morning and sleep aludes me. I do not normally struggle with sleeping but tonight I can't get my mind to stop. I have been in an unreal fog the last couple of days and I am beginning to see myself come out of it. Then I start to think, "you are a greiving mother, who just lost a child, you are supposted to be in this fog for a long time, that is what good people do." I feel like I need to come out of this fog because my kids and husband need me. My husband has been the strong one for us for the last several months as I have struggled with my pregnancy with Beckett. He has taken care of me better than any man has taken care of a woman before. I love him and appreciate him more than anything.

And just like that I want to talk about Beckett. Friday was the worst day of our lives. When I got to the er, I honestly believed my bp was high and that I might go on bed rest but everything else was okay. (I have struggled with this for the last couple days because I think as Beckett's mom, I should have known something was wrong) They came to put the monitor on me and couldn't find his heartbeat. At that moment I didn't panic yet, I thought well your fat and they can't find it because of all the fat. Then they brought the doppler in and couldn't find his heartbeat. That is when I thought for the first time "Is something wrong?' But when they finally did the ultrasound and I watched the dr and the tech I knew in my heart something was terribly wrong but I still had hope that we could deliver him and it would be okay. The dr walked in a few minutes later and said "your gonna make it through this". I said "is the baby okay" and shook her no and in an instant my world changed and it crumbled. I immediately thought it was my fault. As most of you know I have struggled with bp for the pregnancy. I thought my body had killed my baby. While I am told this did not happen, I feel my body let me down and I still think that if it was stronger it could have saved him. I also think as his mamma I should have known something was terribly wrong with him. I will work through these feelings.

So then we get to the hard part. I have to deliver and go through labor with no reward at the end. When I gave birth to Coleman and Makaley it was hard, but as soon as they handed me those babies, it was fine. This time, I had to give birth to a baby that will never call me mom, that I will never play with, I will never get to change his diaper, or feed him, or rock him. Mostly, what I remember about giving birth this time, is the pain. I don't remember from the other times, but this time the pain both physically and mentally was almost more than I could I bare. To be completely honest, in my weakness, I kept thinking and I may have said it, "I just want to die". I feel bad about that now because it was selfish. My other babies need me. I am holding onto that now.

Anyways, I had to make a decision. Do I hold Beckett? Or do I never know what he looks like? I am not good at decisions but I am completely confident that I did the right thing. Beckett was beautiful. He had lots of dark hair. I wanted a dark haired baby because the others were blonde. He had a Honea nose and my huge, and I mean huge feet. He was tiny. 2 pounds and 8 ounces but he was 17 inches long already. His little head was so small and just full of that hair. I may not be much to look at but I make gorgeous babies.

The hospital told us about a program called "Now I lay me down to sleep". A professional photographier comes in and takes very tasteful pictures of the baby so you can have them. I already had an appointment scheduled to do this when Beckett arrived. I had looked forward to it so much because my friend who was going to take the pictures is an amazing photographier. So anyways, I was so thankful that I would have these of Beckett. I need to remember how perfect he was. We are going tomorrow to have pictures made of Coleman and Makaley and it may be weird or upsetting to some but I will have a picture of all my kids around the same time hanging in my house. Beckett's life may have only happened inside me but it is a life worth celebrating. I can guartnee you Beckett would have been a live wire. He would have given us a run for our money. It is funny how you know some of those things, even when they are just in your tummy.

My dear friends, I am not good at asking for things for myself. I never have been. But I have a request. I am not good at doing things on my own. Right now, I feel very alone and I hate it. Please keep your sweet thoughts and messages coming, I need them. Please come and see me and just talk to me. I know you don't know what to say, you don't have to say anything! Let's talk about the weather or your kids or cows....I don't care, just talk to me. If I have a moment of weakness don't feel uncomfortable, just sit there and wait for me to get over it. Thank you!

I am sure I will be writing more. I am the biggest open book you have ever met. I just say exactly how I feel and be it good or bad, that is who I am. Thanks for reading and for loving on me dear friends!